Condescending

Venom drips from the words that come out of your mouth, and you still talk. Its hard to have any light from the situation, because its nothing but black clouds rolling into my head. Trying to save what is left; sucking the venom from each wound, in hopes of healing. Walking tall, and confident, may only be the front for those who look; on the inside its weakened. Take the two way street, being stuck in the middle seems to be the only move.

So Broken

I am exhausted, so freaking exhausted from trying not to let myself get hurt; From trying to be strong enough to stand toe to toe with you, and hold my own; From fighting with you with everything I have; From protecting my heart and soul;From just crying out with every ounce of my being...

I am so tired of this every day struggle with you, with myself, and with the world between us. I can no longer do it. I can longer take this, anymore. I've reached my breaking point and I am just broken.

I feel like I've been sucked into another black hole thats only set me back further, and I can't get my way out of it, not feeling like this. I just cry, because I am so lost, and I don't know what to do anymore. I have no where to turn to ask, nor to watch their path.

I can't keep from feeling, but I want to stop this feeling that I feel. I am so tired of just crying and because of you. You say you're sorry, and when its meant, their actions change. Everything about them changes when they are truly sorry. Haven't I proven that to you?

Besides the pain and hurt seen on the outside, my heart on the inside is dying, and I don't know how to stop it... I do what I can to accept responsibility for what I've done and did, and try to move and take the steps needed to get this better, and I get no where. I get slapped in face, and shut down. I can't do it anymore.

Happiness does not exist in me anymore, is what I feel like as I go thru the motions of the day. I am not strong enough to do this... I can only take so much, and now I've crumbled to pieces and left to nothing.

My heart aches with so much pain and hopelessness... My eyes are swollen and a different shade of blue as I cry. My hands are shaky and I feel like I can't carry this hallow ghost of person anymore.

I'm stuck at this fork in the road, and I have no idea which way to take; The road less traveled or the one that I already know. I have my head bowed and my hands up to the heavens begging for something to lift me up.. Please...

I can't hold on, but letting go is something I can't do, even if I wanted to.

Costumes.

There are times when I have no idea what to do. I find myself in situations in which I am afraid, when I shouldn't be. I cry when I am upset, and hurt, and I try to smile when I can, happy or not. There's a time when I just need to scream;
This is me. am the way I am, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a complex package. Take it or leave it. Accept me; or walk away. Don't try to make me feel less than who I am,because I don't fit your idea of who I should be. If I need to change, I will make that decision.

I was told today, that I wear many costumes of "Alyssa", and that I've burried myself under it all. I've burried the real Alyssa under it all, and its gotten so deep, I don't even know who I am anymore. It wasn't neccessarily a bad thing that this was brought to my attention, because I know that it has to be stopped. From my understanding, I've done this since day one of my own life, but at the same time, its taken me 21 years to realize, and actually put a name to it.

Each costume is for something different. To hide something else. A feeling, being ashamed of something, not wanting to be me, and so many other things. Each costume is like a layer, and slowly but surely I plan to peel each one of them away, and find myself. Find myself, raw, and real and actually me. I hate not knowing who I am looking at in the mirror, the few times that I actually take a good look.

As long as each of these costumes are allowed to "hang in the closet", its just as easy for me to put one right back on, to hide or protect myself, or my feelings. Alot of people have told me that I shouldn't have to do so; Protect myself, or my feelings, because its not how thigns should be. Although, the harsh reality of it all is that just because things are supposed to be a certain way, doesn't mean that it actually happens as so.

These costumes have felt like my real skin for so long, I am not sure where to start, and I know its going to be a hard road finding myself, and who I am at heart. There are so many things that I am going to let go of to help myself move on, and regain back who I was, and who I am.

I was told that I was always this little girl playing dress up, and I still am. Always changing costumes to fit certain things, certain ideals, or standards, and eventually lost myself amongst all the costumes.

Directions.

What do you do when you've reached the end of your rope, and you have nothing else to hold onto? What do you say when you don't have a single world in your heart left? Where do you turn, when you have no where to look? How many chances do you keep giving when you've had enough?

All these questions and more have been darting across the walls of my mind, and I can't seem to get or find an answer for a single one of them. I try and I try, exhausting every option I have open to me, and I still come up empty handed...

I don't know about anyone else, but I get tired of getting the short end of the stick, and feeling like that. Feeling hopless...

I ask alot of questions, to myself, and to the world, conciously and subconciously, and I think for a while on them all; but still end up with nothing. I try, and I give it my all, and I fall flat on my face.

I'm tired of the scrapes, cuts, and the blood from falling. I want to be able to walk, without studder, and know that the road that I am walking, is the right one. The one that leads to happiness, and faith. Not one that I will never be able to stand on my own two feet without being kicked in the knees, just to fall again.

Sometimes, I look at the road I've traveled, and wondered if its the one that I was meant to walk down. I look at the road I am on now, and ask myself, am I am going in the right direction? Sometimes, well most of the time, I don't know. I'm not sure how to know if I am or not. Will I ever?

Supporters Vs. Protesters

This will always be a battle, until the end of time. I feel that it favors the relationship between a cat and a dog. One antagonises the other, and the chase begins. In this particular post, its about the Troops who serve our country.

Freedom of Speech is evident, and cannot be taken away, as far as I know. So, regaurdless of how wrong, or hurtful, good or bad, something is, if sommeone wants to say it, they can, and I am sure that they will.

We are all aware of the Protesters. They are obnoxious, and inevitable. The most outrageous of such is the act of protesting at a Soliders Funeral. It's absolutely disrespectful to the family, the country, the Branch of Military, and mostly to the Solider. The link to the Article and story can be found here; http://www.cnn.com/2010/POLITICS/03/08/homosexuality.protest/index.html . I'm sure that there are many other places that you can get it as well. That act in itself was wrong in more ways than I can count. The Pastor of that Church, which lead the Protest said that " [He]believes God is punishing the United States for "the sin of homosexuality" through events such as soldiers' deaths. " Now if you read that, ask yourself, is he protesting Homosexuality or Soliders? Either is wrong. It is the Soliders of all branches of military that are protecting the rights for these people to even be able to say these things. Now an argumennt can go on for days about this. So I am going to proceed. There are protesters at the gates of some bases, and on the internet everywhere. They scream out at soliders horrific things, "Baby killer", which aren't needed. They'll hold signs on the side of the roads, just to get someone to look. But let me ask you this; Do you know the names of those people? Can you remember something they've accomplished in their life? I didn't think so.

But I can nearly gaurentee that you can name a Supporter. That you can name who they support directly, or even indirectly; Some without even saying a word. You can look on the collar of their shirt to see a pin. On their car, to see the magnetic support ribbon. In their yard to see the Flag, flying. On their social network, with widgets and buttons and posters, adn the million other things that have been made just to SUPPORT our troops. Just as there are people out at the Gates of Bases holding their protesting signs, there are some, which I have personally seen, that read "Thank you for your service.", and "Thank you Marines", "We support you.", and I could go on! If thats not enough, go to a Church, they have Support Groups and Organizations made just for that reason, TO SUPPORT OUR TROOPS! You can google organization groups for the Military, and get a result of 350,000 of them. Three hundred and fifty thousand.. That is alot. Not to mention, how far out they reach, and the different chapters within each organization!! The Military is supported by so many Americans, and some Non Americans as well. There is a just cause for having such.

In the jist of this matter, a protester can stand on a street, slander words all over the internet, hometown, newspaper, whatever source they can find, but will they be rememeberd? That answer is no.

What is going to be remembered?

Go to Arlington or any other Memorial Cemetary; Stand and look out among all the stones with Names on it. Although, its a sad sight to see, all the Men and Women who've sacrificed their lives for our country, and yet there are still those few who aren't grateful, but in ovwepowering numbers; The millions of people that do support the Troops.

Each name, had a story; A life; An Adventure; A Mission; A Love.

Go read names off a Wall, and see how many people have tears in their eyes, looking at the overwhelming numbers of them.

Get on the internet and search, see how many websites for Support there are. Millions, and probably more.

Ignorance

Ignorance; By definiton it means to lack knowledge, or being uninfomed. Although when you put it in context with many daily things in our lives it becomes more apparent that so many possess it.

Knowledge is based upone fact, not opinion. Yes, opinion may matter, but when it comes down to actually "KNOWING" something, its solely based upon the facts. You may be involved directly or indirectly, but needing the facts is cruicial. You can not base everything purely on opinion, especially when it comes down to a worldly matter.

Ignorant people see life as either existence or non-existence, but wise men see it beyond both existence and non-existence to something that transcends them both.

Drowning

I hold back the tears, and the frustrations for as long as I can. Sometimes I snap and lash out. Ready to just go crazy. I try so hard to be happy, and act like nothing bothers me for the sake of her, and nothing helps.. I am falling apart by the second.. I used to be strong, and look at me now.. I'm so weak I can barely hold myself up.. Why is it that the strong turn into the weak? Why did I ever let my guard down, or any wall in that matter?

I listen to the words, which to some don't mean a thing, but to me they carry a heavy weight, and when thrown around; they hurt and cause pain. I let them just add up, until I can't take anymore.. Its then that I start dealing it out, and sending back everything I felt, and feel at that moment..

I DO wrong, and deal it out.. I hate that I am this way.. I am the problem in the problem if that makes sense.. I've stared at the clock, and calendar trying my hardest to get things on the right track, and putting alot forth to it, and I get no where.. I don't know why... I am killing my heart over and over again because I try, I know that I am putting all my heart into it, and I look in the mirror and still have "FAILURE" tattooed all over my body..

Sometimes I wait until the house falls silent, and the sun is sleeping; to cry, and just let go of all the pain and thoughts that cloud my mind. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes it fails.. I don't know where to go in my own mind anymore...

I hate the person that I am, the person who inhabits this flesh, and the reflection that I see in the mirror.. I turn the people that I love the most into a monster that ends up hating me in the end. I have no way of turning back, or taking back... I just drown in my own hatred for myself and the words in which he uses to describe me.

Once White, Stained Red.

All the books, cds, programs, college educated people in this world only try to help certain situations, in which there is such a strain on it, both parties are ready to give up; but what happens when the person trying makes their own program? Sets aside all feelings, and thoughts to try to make something actuall work for once in her life? She really prays for it work, for both of them to put their heart and soul into it, in order to rebuild what has been lost..

Going thru each little step, each day, and each week, working and changing things that are needed to for the better, but still not getting anywhere. She sheds tears, and sweats beads of hurt and frustrations like crazy; sometimes [and often] saying words she doesn't mean, pushed to the point of wanting to give up.. "How do I avoid getting to this place" she asks herself.. Only the silence answers.

Trying all that she knows, taking advice from the wise; who've once been there before, but still finding herself back at square one.. They go thru this wheel of emotions.. Anger, rage, sadness, resentment, hatred, sadness, hurt, settling, and then contentment.. Then shortly it starts all over again.. "When will it end", thinking to herself, "does it ever take a turn for happiness"?

She sits back and wonders if she is to blame for all the problems? Almost positive that it is, because of the person she was in the beginning and for the things she did then. It's not regret that over comes her, more so exhaustion. Exhausted from all she's done to change, let go, become someone that she's even proud to see staring back in the mirror at her; But even with all of that, its still not enough.. She tries and tries, takes it all on her shoulders, falls and stays down.

Its like pouring red wine into a bottle ontop of a white table cloth. The slower you pour, the slower the bottle fills up, and maybe a tiny bit splashes out and stains the cloth; The more impatient and tiresome you get holding it, your pour faster, the bottle fills faster and soon overflows on the table cloth, turning it all red... Listening, and taking it all in; sometimes without a word and others just breaking and letting it all over flow... Its self control, and I don't think that I have it down yet..

Words. Short and Sweet.

Words.. They are powerful in many ways.. Written and spoken.. Sometimes they are hurtful and sometimes they can put you on top of the world, depending on a certain mood. I am even guilty of it too. I say thigns I don't mean, and later regret them. I never used to be this way, and I hate that I've come to do this.

How does your heart recover from such things? Is it just a defense mechanism? I know that I spend alot of time thinking and exploring both of those questions for myself, and I come up with so many answers, and no way to figure it out. I wrack my brain, and clean out every corner of it, trying to find some way to just get rid of this, and stop defending myself for it and from it.

I know that I CAN bite my tongue, I do it all so often; So what's difference? Why can't I do it when I need to!? I'm hurt, and I lash out. I don't want that anymore.. I don't want to hurt, and have to do that..

I pray for healing and peace in my heart, and in my home. I pray for the healing power to devour my marriage, life, home and family, and simply open all our eyes to the gifts that God is bringing us daily.

I pray that we don't let ourselves become our worst enemy, but the person who brings us up, and closer to God, Himself. I pray that all the people who hurt, and feel anything like this, know that God loves, listens, and heals, and He is and always will be there for you.

Reasons.

I know that everything happens for a reason. Well more or less, I believe that with everything that I have. I remember telling myself this, and still do when things go bad, or not as planned, and even when they are as good as they can ever be.

Doors are opened, some are closed, some are slammed in your face too, but it all happens for a specific reason. I know that myself, I often ask "Why" these things happen, but in all reality, I do not need to know why they happen, I just need to have faith that it will all work out for the best.

A very odd thing happened to me this morning. Although odd, it was still very amazing, and just what I needed. A good friend, I've known through high school, said that in the time of prayer and praise they spend with God, my name came to the lips of the conversation for some reason unbeknownst to them. Upon telling me this, I was touched for many more reasons than one. I know that I am blessed, and that God is really reaching out for me in a time like this, through these hard and easy times, and even through the good and bad times.

I am thankful for the reminders that the Lord shows me. Weither it be thru the beautiful things I have around me, or thru the words of a friend.. I am thankful.

Finding the Right Words in a Time of Need.

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is Near the Brokenhearted and Saves the Crushed in Spirit." I get frustrated and hopeless at times, and I almost feel stuck as if I have no place to go. I do find myself feeling like I have no where to go, and finally things get bad enough I break, and that's the moment that I remember I do have someone, I DO have someone who listens and cares. He cares about me. He cares about my heart and soul. He listens, and He heals. I hate that it usually takes me to get to a breaking point to reach for him. Although today, well it was different. Finding myself drownding in a pool of just everything; stress, hurt, restlessness, fear, hope, faith, happiness and anger; I just closed my eyes, and dropped my head. I found something to read to pull me back together again. To dry myself from the whirlpool that has latched onto my feet, trying to pull me under. I turn to the book of Psalm often, in search of the word that erases whatever I may feel. I venture thru the whole Book, and ask for healing, reassurement, hope, faith, happiness, and many other things.

Somedays, I don't even open my Bible, I just walk outside, or look out my windows and see, physically see the things He's blessed me with, and take them in. Be thankful for the things He's given me. Admitingly, there are times that this doesn't help. I feel hopeless. I hate that feeling. Its about that time that I stumbled across this, "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. " Romans 12:12. I know that when I pray, He hears me. I know that He will answer too.. On His schedule and His way. I can honestly admit, that sometimes I don't like it, but I get over it! This is the Lord we are talking. He says what's right and wrong, and I know that I must follow Him in faith when He takes my eyes from me. I must follow Him and believe with every ounce in my being, when I do not know.

Sometimes I don't know why I get sad, because I have the most amazing gifts in my life. I have an amazing life, and looking forward to the journey that has yet to unfold. Nevertheless, I have times of sadness... I look to these words in John 14:14 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me". I do not need to be sad, I need to remember the gifts He's blessed me with, and it helps. I have a living breathing, laughing, loving gift I spend all my time with everyday that is a constant reminder of why.

Amongst all these feelings as well, there are good ones. I am happy. When I am happy I sing it. I sing it at the top of my lungs.. Dogs may howl.. But hey they're just singing along too!! I love to praise, thru song, thru daily study, thru simple readings.

The word is something I turn to when I have nothing else. When I know of nothing else. When I am all out, or when I am completely full and have no clue what to do. This is where I turn. I try to lead others on this same path, and some I believe follow, but not sure why. Others, I believe do it because they too believe.

I believe.

The Want To.

Change.. Some of us like it, and some of us dread it. Myself? I fall directly in the middle of it. Hell, I should be so freaking used to things changing all the time, as if it where something like the weather changing; But still somethings get to me.

I also know that when it comes down to change, as it being a personal decision versus, trying to change something simple as the color of your nails, takes alot more than just a thought; but The Want To. I know that there has to be a personal drive to actually want to change. I have also found out that, in alot of people, they could care less, or just not want to put forth the effort to do so, because it means that they may have to sacrifice something that is destructive to their life anyway. Yet, it's still not enough. Or in some cases, too much.

What I don't understand is when you find out something is tearing your world apart, you choose all the options they are simply aiding in a faster ruin.

It's the Hurt Before the Healing.

I have never been able to understand how life works, as many times as I have tried, I fail...miserably. I try to wrap my head around it, and as soon as I think that I know, sure enough, something gives me a huge rude awakening. I have just accepted the fact that maybe this is just something that we need to just go on without knowing how it works. I like knowing how things will pan out, and having a plan for everything. Its hard for me to function when I don't know about something, or how its going to work.

I have this huge mess that has encompassed everything that is close to my heart and that means anything to me. Me, trying to weed out the problems, is only making it worse. I thought that if I tried to plan out how I could fix it myself, that I could accomplish it, but instead it had an adverse effect on it. I don't know how to go about making it right again. I wonder if it was everything that I have been trying to do that's made this all into total chaos. Its like running thru thorn bushes in a bikini! It hurts, every which way you turn, you're getting cut and stabbed. You bleed, it dries and scabs over, just to end up opened again.

The only way I think about it and accept it; is thinking of it like a rose. If you over water it, it dies. Don't fertilize it enough, doesn't bloom like it should, wilts and dies. Plant it too shallow, it dies. Over fertilize, it suffocates the roots, and dies. You have to have the precise instruction to accurately grow such a plant. Not sure how I can achieve to getting it right, down to the tee, but I am going to keep trying.

Dealing.

This past month, seems like, has been especially hard for myself, and my family. My Great Grandmother passed away, as a result of a Cancer that was recently found. She was a character, I tell you! I personally wasn't as close to her as I wish I was, now seeing the wonderful impact she's made on other family members' lives.

On top of that, two days ago, I recieved the news that my Grandmother recieved the results back from her Lung Biopsy, and it wasn't good new. Anything but, really. When I got the phone call from my Mom, it was like my whole world came crashing down, and I had nothing to support it. I was, and still just numb from the news. I hate that I am 1400 miles away from her, and I can't help her.

I don't know really how to handle this situation.. I can't imagine losing someone like my Grandma, or my Grandpa, or anyone for that matter. I feel like I haven't had enough time with her, to make sure that she knows that I love her. I am 20 years old, and its still not enough time. I want her to grow old, because she still isnt!! She's still that lady that crawled up on my Palomino horse, Playboy, with margarita in hand, ready to ride off!! I can't imagine my life without her. She's my Mimi. My daughter was just getting to know her every morning, while I was still in Texas. I want her to grow up knowing that her Mimi is the coolest and bestest [yes, I said bestest] Great Grandma in the world! I'm not ready to give her up yet. Yes, I know that is being selfish, but aren't I allowed to?? She's my Mimi. Mine. I love her too much to let her go yet, or anytime soon for that matter. My favorite, and happiest memories of my life, have included her and my Poppi, were with the two of them, or about the two of them. I can't let those go. I am not going to.

I hate this part of the cycle of life. I don't like it, and frankly I don't understand it. I hate it. Yes, I HATE IT. I wish I could change it, but I know that God planned this part of it, just as much as He planned birth as well. I hate thinking of her in pain, or hurting or knowning that something is wrong. I could never picture her being anything but this strong, crazy spirited woman, I call my Mimi. I hate this feeling I have over taking my whole body. I just want to run back to her, and make sure she knows how much I love her.

Talking to Myself.

I reflect on just about every second of my life, and some would call it being over-skeptical; which could possibly be the very thing that I am doing, then others call it simply taking it all in. Either way, to me; it doesn't matter, I can't help but do it. It's the way that I get through each day, and every action that I made in that day.

I sit back, and I think to myself, "Do I just expect too much? Am I the one not doing enough? I wonder if I am the problem here? I go through this long list of questions I am asking myself, and I answer each one of them too. Sometimes, I really don't know if I actually have the right one or not. But its an answer; Something to go off of for the moment.

Sometimes these answers to those questions, are just me being hard on myself, and being mean to myself.. Its really how it is. I probably do expect too much, and not give enough or try hard enough. The years worth of hard work still hasn't paid off, and I can see that clearly, and I begin to wonder if it ever will? I honestly never realized that expecting something would be the wrong way of going about something, but aparently it is. "Have I always had these crazy high expectations?" Maybe. I'm sure that's part the result of so many let downs..

I could go on for days with this little conversation with myself.. Most of the time, they're never good, or light hearted. I feel much more comfortable talking to myself, because I know that I am the one person who won't say hurtful things just to hurt. If that even makes sense. Half the time, the things that I say or think to myself, don't even make sense. "Does this make me crazy?"

Things changing or just me?

I have always taken notice to the small things, as I have always thought that they were the things that make up life. It's the small things that are overlooked, and often forgotten, and majority of the time, no one cares enough to even notice. Some would say that I care too much about those things, or that I pay too much attention to detail. Its true; I do pay alot of attention to the details of everything, but I don't personally think that it's a bad thing to do.

I notice how things change over time; the color fades, paint chips, stains, and simply things just age. I guess that I never figured that the one thing I cherished would change, or fade in areas. I feel like the jewels are mearly slipping away in the spaces between my fingers. Although, what I do have left is still beautiful, just starting to tarnish.

I enjoyed and still do, all the little things about this, and they are no longer there for me to enjoy. I don't know what happened to them, or why they left. Nor, how to get them back.

To Not Know

I close my eyes, as the tears fall from them, only wanting something better to come; an open ended wish, that isn't going to come true. I open my eyes, just wanting to shut them again. I listen to things around me, and I close myself off from the world; silencing everything around me. Do I expect too much? Do I want to much for my life? I know that I don't need much; close to nothing at all, actually. I don't understand that the one time that I actually want soemthing so bad, with my heart and soul, its the one thing that never happens. Is it me? Am I the thing that is preventing this from happening? The more that I think about it, the more that I am sure that it is me.

I take a deep breath in, and release it, wondering if peace is something real? Peace inside my heart and my mind? Can something of this really be acheived? Why can't I find it? I have worked so hard on myself, for everything else, and this is the one thing that is so far out of my reach. I don't get it.

I have anger in my life, in my heart, and in my head; that boils my blood at times. I hate possesing such a thing. I don't know why its even there. I look around and see happiness everywhere, except in my own reflection. I have the epitomy of happiness, and joy everday right beside me in the most beautiful form of a being; my daughter. Yet, when I look at myself, I see nothingness.

I drowned out the world; I close my eyes, block my ears, but my mind still runs. Tears still fall, my hands still shake, and I just want it all to go away... I feel like I am walking around with a fake smile plastered to my face. I am miserable, with myself.

I dream of better things, happy things for my life, and when I try to achieve them, or work toward them, it backfires. I know its a give and take process, you have to learn to walk all over again. I fall on my face over and over again. I keep asking myself, when does it stop? When can I succeed? Will I ever?

I used to be filled with hope, and joy, and big dreams; I am still, just not for me. For my daughter, that's a different story, I have so many hopes for her, and her life. I pray for her happiness, and that she does not know the ugliness this world holds within its grasp. As for myself, I feel like hollow shell of a person.

I am so lost, in my own life. The world that I created. Even in a crowded room, I feel so freaking alone. I hate it. The pain is so obvious, but no matter what I deny it all. I don't want anyone to see it. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but how long must mine stay open? They still hurt every single day. I am so tired of this. I can't believe it still hurts lke this. What am I waiting for? Something that isn't ever going to happen?

I changed who I am, in which I thought was for the better, and I can't even find myself anymore. I let you in, and learned what it was like to depend on you, and what it was like to need someone, and now, its the one thing that is hurting me. Sometimes, I want to undo the things that I have done to myself, because I don't know what would be better or worse.

Deeper Than the Flesh

My whole body hurts, so badly. The physical pain... I don't even know how to explain it, and the emotional pain is just as bad. I just want to curl up and cry until I can't anymore; but the messed up thing about that is, I can't even cry. I feel like I am completely surrounded by people and yet, I am so freaking alone in everything. I am the color in a black and white world. I can't, and I don't think that I want to reach out to anyone... No matter where I go, or who I turn to, I am still alone. I conceal my hurt and tears, because I have someone always watching me, and depending on me, and the last thing that I want to do is let her down. Everything is falling apart around me, and this far into it, I see no end to it. I can't stop it any longer. I feel like a caged animal being poked and proded, I have no where to go, and I just want to get out. I just want to cut away the pain of my life, and leave it be. I hate feeling this way. I hate being inside my own mind. I can't escape anything long enough to even smile. I close my eyes, and its a living hell even there. I never thought that I would return to this lonely place. I have tried and fought so hard to stay away from it, and yet.. Here I am. I hate admitting that. Gah, I hate it so freaking much.. But its the truth, all bullshit laid aside. I have been here for some time. I have been walking around with a smile plastered on my face, like nothing is ever wrong, and its just one big lie. I have lost all sight of whho I am, I pretend to be this person, I have no clue who she even is. I have no clue who I am. I wish I could just go back in time, to being a carefree little girl.. Even then, I wasn't a little girl. I wanted to grow up so bad, and now I am here, wishing to go back. Who am I? I wish I could answer that question, along with so many. I am so hopeless, among so many other things; and sometimes I am not sure how I manage thru. I look in the mirror and see an empty shell, hollow, and almost dead. I'm not sure what its like to even be happy like I used to. I don't know what that feels like anymore. When I see it, I can recognize it, but I don't feel it. I want that all back.. I don't listen to others much, especially when it comes to me, but when people who've known me for my entire life, ask me where my fire for life went, I have no answer; and it makes me think, "What's happend/happening to me?" Its sad I can't give myself an answer, I can't look at myself in the mirror and give myself an answer..

Blessing in Disguise

Life is one big adventure to us all, and those we add several different elements to it, such as marriage, children, jobs, etc, etc, can make for many different outcomes. Some are horrible disasters and some are so wonderful, that they are great blessings from God, Himself.

Sometimes, I go through events in my path that make me feel like I can no longer go on, because they hurt so much. The pain rips my heart from my chest, and I no longer want to live with the things that I have before me. I have done my deal of dishing out hurt to others, and I have suffered and tortured myself day and night about it to this very day. For that I am sorry, and I look to God for forgiveness.

I have always told myself that, "God will not put me through anything that I can't handle", and I firmly believe that. I often realize how much I underestimate myself, and my abilities that God has given me. I feel pain differently that you do, I handle hurt differently that you do as well. When I cry, I have nothing left, I am holding nothing back, because I am so broken down. I feel the way Jeremiah did in Lamentations 3:1-21. He describes how he beaten and so discouraged by what has happened to him, but the only faith he can find, is in God. Though his pain was very physical, and mine only very emotional. Either way, the hurt still feels the same. I may not have had bruises, or broken bones, but what I did have is a broken heart, and little hope.

This kind of pain falls on the heart like a fog. The fog of a broken heart slyly imprisons the soul and refuses to escape or release it. This feeling honors no hour, and respects no person. It can drive any one person to quit and give up on the greatest thing that has ever happened to them. Though, for once, I had to conquer the dreadful companions of this fog, and know that God will get me through this, as much as I can't figure out what to do next, He will give me a path.

I was so ready to leave, and never look back on it, or you ever again, but I couldn't. I love you too much, though at the same time, the hurt was more greater. I couldn't even look at you, I didn't even want to touch you. In my head I would pray, "God please, I am in need of your strength. I need you to fill me up with Your grace and forgiveness, in order for me to get through this. Father God, please give me a path to walk, to make me feel better, and to mend my heart. God, please tell me what I should do, and what is the right decision to make that is right by You, and right by my heart." With every second that passed, I said this over and over, choking back tears. I choked them back, not because I was afraid to cry in front of you, though I did want you to see the pain and the hurt that you caused me, but I did it because I wanted to be strong enough to handle myself and get through it.

As the minutes slowly creeped by, and the car ride seemed like it would never end, I knew that my prayer was heard, and that God was going to give me something to keep me going. I know this, and believe this because the Bible itself says in John 14:13 (The Answered Prayer) "And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name I will do it." So I knew that in His time, He will answer me.

"God, I know that You forever dwell within my heart, because I have come to You, and asked You to make it Your home as well. You have blessed me with many things in my life that I am grateful for. You have tested my will and my heart for You, granted I may have fallen on my face a few times, before I have succeeded, You still stood beside me with Your unconditional love. I thank You for all the things in my life that you have blessed me with. "One ride, one try, one life to love with hopes and dreams of second chances"

Things

Sometimes I miss the little things.. Actually, I always miss the little things.. Because they are the one item that changes so quickly, and easily forgotten. I don't know how others view them, but to me, its the moments that make up the lifetime you have. They convey and create some of the greatest memories, or atleast they have in my life.

There are times that I don't even like chocolate ice cream anymore, and most of the time, its when I am sad.. And chocolate ice cream makes me feel better.. So why has it failed on me now?

I can sit an watch sappy, tear jerker movies, to make me feel better. I enjoy seeing fake love, and superficial story lines some how.. And for some odd ass reason, that is still unbeknownst to me. I guess, for some reason it gives me hope, and hope for what I have no clue. I have a good marriage, and a good life... So what else is there to hope for?

I stress out over the strangest things. And sometimes, I feel like a fool when I look back on it, because I freaked out over it. It reminds me that I am still human, and that I will stress over the stupid things.

I cry about alot of things. I cry when I get so angry, I can't function. I cry when I get frustrated. I cry when I miss things, remember the good times, think about my little brother, fight with my husband, feel worthless, when I am depressed, or just sad... I cry and sometimes I never even know the reason why... As the tears fall down my face, I feel like I can't do anything at that point. When I cry, its me.. I have nothing left of me.. Thats what I have come down to. I hate it when I cry though, I feel vunerable, and flesh hearted, which is so easily hurt.

I have happiness, and find in it the strangest of ways... I can catch a glimpse of the sunset, and somehow find the faith in it. I see colorful flowers in a world full of black and white, and know that I will make it through. I see little kids running and playing around, and laugh knowing that there is still some good left in the world. I close my eyes, and feel my baby move around, and realize I am going to be a Mother... Which is an all new feeling for me. I bow my head and pray to ask for happiness.. The kind that God has had planned for us, for many years now.. I open my eyes, and often see it around me, even though, looking at my left hand, says it all with one little "thing".

I get sad when I feel alone on a decision or situation that means alot to me. I can be easily pushed around when I feel like I am no longer wanted or needed. I hate being alone, even though you're right beside me. I hate feeling so far away from you, in my heart...

Though, today was the first time- I got to go down to the beach.. I watched the waves swell up, and crash upon the shore... I watched Dads hold their daughters while the cold water flooded passed them. I got to dig my feet into the sand, and feel at peace. I listened to the water, and it reminded of life, hope, and happiness...

Original Publish Date: 3/10/09

Learning What it is to Hang On

There are so many moments through out the day, that make me want to give up, in a huge way. There have been times, where I have given up, but in a small way.. I will find myself crying all day, for hours at a time, letting myself fail. This to me is giving up. To me its giving up on my hope, and my faith, that God will take care of me, and the things that I go through. Yes, I have actually thought a few times, that I wasn't going to make through a few situations... I have given up on myself more times that anyone has probably given up in their entire life. I am harder on me, than anyone in this world.

When I fall, and can't get up mentally, I cry.. I will shut myself off from the world, and just live in my mind, which is the most destructive place. What hurts me the most is that, I can't find my out sometimes. I am put there, and I cry, and cry, and I don't know where to turn. I pray to God, begging Him to just take me home with Him, or help me through this. I hurt. My heart is breaking over and over, and I don't want it anymore. I don't want this feeling. Is it really a part of life? How so? Why does suffering and heartbreak have to be a part of life?

My heart breaks, and I am nothing else. I have my heart, my mind and my soul, but when you put all of those things together, and into something else. When one leg of the triangle breaks, so does the rest of it. It all falls down. I don't know what its like to be on the otherside of it.. I know how not to feel, I have done that for years, but I can't do that anymore. I have something in my life that I want to feel, and I want to hold close to me, just not at the extent of feeling dead inside. I feel so alive more than I do hurt, its just the hurt out weighs the good at times. I will never let go, its not in me to let go. Reguardless of how hard it gets, though saying that, its not a permission to let all hell to break loose at the expense of my heart.

I have been looked at as weak minded, because I deal with it.. Though to me, its not dealing with it, its more like fighting for something. There are going to be multiple bumps in the road, no one ever said that it was going to be easy, or even somewhat simple.. I work for something, towards a single goal... After so long, it does get tiring to hear it, and have people tell me what I am doing is submitting to something short of abuse. Which I think is ridiculous. Yes, its hard, and I fall apart, multiple times.. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Sometimes I don't know how I am going to make it through.. Kinda like right now.. I am hurt, and so down.. All I know is to pray, and cry. Thats all I feel. I want to curl up and disappear for the moment, or until I feel better. I am far away from the place that I call home, and the one I love... Love.. Its a bittersweet thing.. It makes you hurt, and cry more than anything in this world I think. But I know that I do it, because the one that I love, I can't live without, so I live with what comes along with it.. I find peace, hope, inspiration, and love, along with many more precious gifts, though there is still another side to the coin...


I close my eyes, and cry, thinking of the only place that I want to be, and I can't even get there for another 11 days... I have been called stupid recently for wanting to go back to the cause of things, and for wanting to try to fix it. I have been told that I can't fix it by myself, and I will keep trying until that it obvious, because I think that I CAN atleast try.


I keep looking for the Faith that I need to keep going. I pray for the Faith that I am lacking, in which I need to pull myself through. I am praying. I keep praying, and I keep crying... All I want is to feel better.. I want to be home.. I want all this to stop.


"God, please soothe my aching heart. Stitch up the wounds with Your word, and heal the blemishes that have just been left to be forgotten. Please heal me, and the wrath that my own mind takes upon me. Father God, I ask of you to take my soul, and bring it up, lift me up again. Dry my tears, and replace them with laughter. Bring peace back into my heart. I ask of You, to take a look at what I lack in my marriage, and fix me. Fix me, please. Whatever is wrong with Me, then please just fix me. Make me right by You, and by my husband. Give me the strength to be me, and let my heart shine again. Lord, forgive me for each of my sins everyday. Please, take my hand and walk with me down Your path. I ask all of this, in Jesus name, Amen."

Original Publish Date: 03/30/09

The Light House

When I am lost, and cant seem to find myself among many other things, I close my eyes, and try to envision my meaning of Hope. Or my picture of Hope. The one and only thing that comes to my mind, oddly enough, is a lighthouse, in the middle of nowhere. Though I have never actually seen a real lighthouse, in my life, I have always wanted to, but never given the opportunity. Either way, this is what Hope has imprinted in my mind.

Often, at times, I feel like this small, dainty, sail boat out on the water... On some days the water is quiet, calm, still, and simply beautiful. I couldn't ask for a better day. Then, just like the flipside of a coin, there are those days where the waters are so bad, it engulfs my boat and sails, terrorizing them. My boat, somehow manages its way through with holes and breakage all along the body. In some instances, it sinks due to the overwhelming and over powering rage of the waters. And yet, somehow, it still manages to find its way back on top of the water in days to come, still in one piece, with some chips and dings missing. The raging storms have twisted and tormented my boat, and terrorized my sails, with rips and tears, and yet, they still catch the wind, and ride the waters.

In the darkest storms, I can no longer see. I am blinded by the night, with the rain, and wind as well. I search for the light tirelessly, on to turn up empty handed. The more I search, the farther it actually turns out to be. I feel that I may not make it through the night, though I have a flicker of a fire that is telling me I can. With the discouraging storms barrelling towards me, what choice do I have other than to lay down, protect myself and just take the brutal beating of the storm. I hear the thunder rolling on, and the lightning clapping.. The winds are cracking the wood of my protection, and causing the water to seap in. I feel the water about my cheeks and eyes... So I clench my eyes shut, and wait...

Like any ambitious captain, some choices that I make on the water, aren't the best. I am told by my inner conscious, do not set sail on this water in this direction, for there is a storm on the rise. Yet, I push that voice back down inside me, muffling its sound. I set sail. For what reason do I have to set myself up for disaster, and yet I push it and make it that way? I dont have one. There isn't one. I dont see what I am doing until I feel the needles of the freezing water, piercing my skin, as I am looking around at the pieces of my boat floating around, and I finally ask myself,... "Why?"

Taking the blame, for it is mine. I try to rebuild what I have wrecked, though it continuously falls apart. With each nail that I drive into the wood, the cracks and splits grow bigger and bigger separating one part of wood from the other. I take the blame, because I brought it upon myself, and I try to get back to rebuilding and each element around me is saying otherwise, and that I can't.

Hoping for the best, I keep on. My boat, I have rebuilt with my own two hands over and over again, with each storm I learn something more, and sometimes, something is even taken from me. Through it all, I set out for the water once again. Each characteristic of the waters, takes its own toll on me and my small sailboat. With the worst storm I would ever bear on the horizon, I prepare, or try to, for the unexpected. With the worst in mind, the worst happens, and much more. I no longer have the strength, or the knowledge on what to do. Hopelessly, I fall to my knees, almost giving up. I cry, I scream, I plead, I look for something... To find nothing.

Just when I would have let the storm take me under for good, I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye, a far off light. Where is it coming from? Is it even real? Questions I asked myself over and over before I just simply sailed on faith, and hope, that it was real, and it was the light that I needed to lead me. The light of the lighthouse.

The stronger I sailed on my hope and my faith, the brighter the light got, and the less of a storm it became. Believing in only a glimpse of what could be imaginary, is making this better, making my boat stronger against the storm. I finally take one last long look, and there is stood, proud and bright.

A small dainty lighthouse.

Original Publish Date: 4/08/09

Corinthians 13

We all know the famous Corinthians 13 verse;

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. "

We all know the saying;

"Lead by example."

But do we know what it means to & how to live by example?

Using the Corinthians verse, replace "love" & "it" with your name. Read it to yourself, think about what you're saying and reading. You should then feel the conviction of God, and His example for you.

"Alyssa is patient, Alyssa is kind and is not jealous; Alyssa does not brag and is not arrogant, Alyssa does not act unbecomingly;Alyssa does not seek her own, Alyssa is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, Alyssa does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

If when you do this, and you don't feel any sort of conviction for your life, by God's plan, then maybe its time to re-evluate your walk with the Lord, Himself.

Proverbs 4:23

“Above all else, guard your heart”, Proverbs 4:23. Now, what do you suppose that means? How do would someone interpret it? Literally? Or figuratively? “Guard your heart”, putting up walls, protecting yourself, or placing protection over your heart, could be some possible explanations of it. Although, preparing yourself, mentally and emotionally for the things and events of life, that are to come, could make even another possibility. As human beings, we honestly can not foretell the future, or what is to come of it, therefore we don’t, well, more or less can’t, prepare ourselves for that exact event.

On the other hand, what we can do, is learn from what we have been through already in life. Preparing yourself based on past events makes you more aware, and I wouldn’t necessarily say paranoid, but close to it. Back to the verse, it says “Above ALL else”, so no matter what you do, make sure you’re prepared each day. Wake up, with a light heart, bright eyes, and a swift foot. Don’t let things bring you down. Yes, I know that its much easier said than done, I have been there too. Protect you heart from the things, places, people, events that you know will shatter it. Or if you’re the stronger breed, even so don’t flirt with disaster. You may have learned, healed, and grown from it, but you never know that possibly, deep down, inside there is still a small wound barely healing, but open enough to hurt just as much.

In the big picture, hurting and grieving are a part of the process of learning, and growing. Guarding and protecting are coincidentally, the second step. Now, that’s really where I stop with the ‘Step One, Step Two..’ type things, because not every one is the same, and if we all were emotionally, I think and feel that we’d be in for a horrible train wreck. Many people, have to go back, over and over again, feeling that pain more than once, maybe a few times, before they accept that its real, or even the notion that there is pain to be inflicted. We are known to be hard headed, and stubborn, and sometimes as hard as concrete when it comes to our hearts, and trying to protect it, all at the same time while avoiding getting hurt all over again. Its one big circle, chain of events, that is almost never ending. Yes, things can be good for the rest of your life, and when I say ‘pain’ I don’t mean, gut wrenching, tear jerking type pain. It can be anything. Something that makes you feel sad, hurts your feelings, disappoints you, or anything of that nature. So, pain isn’t necessarily huge and burdened, it could be something small, and insignificant to others, but to someone it could be everything.

No one hurts the same way. No one grieves the same way. No one protects the same way. No one heals the same way. Each and everyone of us, has to find our own way. Above all else, we will find our own way. While learning, hurting, and protecting, some of our paths may cross, and eventually join together to become one, and in that we rejoice.

“Above all else, guard your heart” is tattooed on the inside of my arm, and many will ask, as so many have done now, why that? Why that verse, and why is it significant for you? There is a never ending answer to “Why” but as for the other parts, just one. For me, guarding my heart is what I have done best, for my whole life, but in a way, that it could never feel again. Or so I thought. The walls around my heart, were more like suffocating it. Almost like, restricting and orchid plant from sunlight, it wilts, and eventually dies. There was a time in my life that my heart, well.. Was dead. I was dead- emotionally and passionately. This verse hits close to home for me, because I had to finally grieve over all the things that built up those walls around my heart, which after 20 years, is more like a dungeon without a key. For each brick, there was a painful memory. For each memory, I needed to grieve. For each grieving, I needed to heal. I, to this day, haven’t healed all my wounds, as some are much deeper than others, and will take time. This I have come to terms with. No matter what I have done it my life, this is the one thing I have perfected to suit my life. I still ’guard’ my heart, but not so, that its wilting away, but more so that it thrives on life, love, and happiness.

So, when interpreting this verse, think for yourself. Don’t take each word, for just that. Savor the thought, and trust your heart as it tells you, the story on its walls.

January 20, 2010

You Learn, While You're in Love

The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love, and be loved in return. Nothing in life is easy, especially to love, and accept love in return. Growing up, you experience love, in many different kind of ways, or maybe you don’t, depending on your surroundings. Love is mistaken, and misunderstood at times. Then at others, taken for granted, and abused. What does it mean to love? What does it mean to accept love? Thousands of questions, and they all boil down to, what is love?


Love has many different meanings to all different types of people. Personally, for me love is the feeling of caring for someone so deeply that your life would be very different without them, not only different, but incomplete. A apart of you would be missing forever, like that one puzzle piece that compeltes the picture, but is nowhere to be found. Life doesn’t matter without that one person in it. You live to protect them, to make them happy, and to form long lasting memories you both carry for the rest of your life. When I think of love, I think of a couple celebrating the news of an expecting baby, walking hand in hand along the shore of a beach, laughing and simple enjoying one another. My favorite quote about love, in which sums it up perfectly for me, “ that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, world series kind of stuff”. Your depiction of love will be quite different than mine, or possibly you may not even know it.


Love is an incredibly powerful world, in which many things can happen; Good and bad. Being in love, you always want to be with that person, and when you’re not, you’re thinking about them. “What is he thinking about? Is he wondering about me, as I am him?” You know that you need that person, because without them, your life doesn’t make sense.


My depiction of love, is just what I personally think. Although, how can anyone know the real definition of love? I truly believe that love is one of the hardest words to define, even with a dictionary fight infront of you, can you understand it? Meaning or feeling?


Being in love with someone, truly being inlove, you spend the rest of your life loving that person. Although in society, why is there divorce? Why is there unfaithfulness? We all are victims of, or the criminal of the act; but we still love. Regardless of which side of the bridge you stand on, you will find your stengths in your heart. Many will say that your heart will decieve you, because it acts on raw emotion, and unrational thinking. Personally, I think that, that’s not true. If you follow your heart, to its truest extent, it will never lead you astray.


“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul, and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds”, there are so many things that portray love, and what its like. Love isn’t easy, by any means, and not in the real world. Even people in the truest of loves, fight and argue. In the beginning, they may have a hard time trusting that they love, and through out their loving relationship there will be disagreements, but its all worth it. Love is so worth the trouble, and the baggage, because it is love that gives a meaning to life, and without it, there would be no living.

I know love, from many different perspectives, but the one that I will stand by for the rest of my life, lies within the heart of my daughter Kadence Alayne. I know that in my heart, no matter what we have been through already, and whatever lies ahead for us, we will get through it. Mother's love has withstood many testing times, and tasks, events that some weak hearted would give up on. Learning and growing with her, loving and learning, hurting and learning, living and learning and loving, is making out for the best journey of my life.

Just the Intro...

I write for all kinds of reasons. I write what I feel, and what I see. The things that come out of my mind sometimes don't make sense, even to me. I have been writing for years, but never actually put them somewhere. I have learned that sharing my thoughts, and whatever it is that I am going through, gives insight to someone else later down the road. I may not know it then, but eventually... I acutally learn from what I wrote. Words are a very heavy thing in life. Its said that "The written word is one of the most powerful" hence the Bible. I strongly believe in this, and I know that whatever I give life to in my writings and by my words should be something I can stand behind and be proud of. I take my words, further than just words. There is actual meaning, and emotion behind. They are the story of my life. Literally. Life is many things to me, and as much good as I have in it, there is bad too. I take the good for what it is, and the bad.. Well I try to make them good as well. This is my life. These are my stories.