Once White, Stained Red.

All the books, cds, programs, college educated people in this world only try to help certain situations, in which there is such a strain on it, both parties are ready to give up; but what happens when the person trying makes their own program? Sets aside all feelings, and thoughts to try to make something actuall work for once in her life? She really prays for it work, for both of them to put their heart and soul into it, in order to rebuild what has been lost..

Going thru each little step, each day, and each week, working and changing things that are needed to for the better, but still not getting anywhere. She sheds tears, and sweats beads of hurt and frustrations like crazy; sometimes [and often] saying words she doesn't mean, pushed to the point of wanting to give up.. "How do I avoid getting to this place" she asks herself.. Only the silence answers.

Trying all that she knows, taking advice from the wise; who've once been there before, but still finding herself back at square one.. They go thru this wheel of emotions.. Anger, rage, sadness, resentment, hatred, sadness, hurt, settling, and then contentment.. Then shortly it starts all over again.. "When will it end", thinking to herself, "does it ever take a turn for happiness"?

She sits back and wonders if she is to blame for all the problems? Almost positive that it is, because of the person she was in the beginning and for the things she did then. It's not regret that over comes her, more so exhaustion. Exhausted from all she's done to change, let go, become someone that she's even proud to see staring back in the mirror at her; But even with all of that, its still not enough.. She tries and tries, takes it all on her shoulders, falls and stays down.

Its like pouring red wine into a bottle ontop of a white table cloth. The slower you pour, the slower the bottle fills up, and maybe a tiny bit splashes out and stains the cloth; The more impatient and tiresome you get holding it, your pour faster, the bottle fills faster and soon overflows on the table cloth, turning it all red... Listening, and taking it all in; sometimes without a word and others just breaking and letting it all over flow... Its self control, and I don't think that I have it down yet..