Drowning

I hold back the tears, and the frustrations for as long as I can. Sometimes I snap and lash out. Ready to just go crazy. I try so hard to be happy, and act like nothing bothers me for the sake of her, and nothing helps.. I am falling apart by the second.. I used to be strong, and look at me now.. I'm so weak I can barely hold myself up.. Why is it that the strong turn into the weak? Why did I ever let my guard down, or any wall in that matter?

I listen to the words, which to some don't mean a thing, but to me they carry a heavy weight, and when thrown around; they hurt and cause pain. I let them just add up, until I can't take anymore.. Its then that I start dealing it out, and sending back everything I felt, and feel at that moment..

I DO wrong, and deal it out.. I hate that I am this way.. I am the problem in the problem if that makes sense.. I've stared at the clock, and calendar trying my hardest to get things on the right track, and putting alot forth to it, and I get no where.. I don't know why... I am killing my heart over and over again because I try, I know that I am putting all my heart into it, and I look in the mirror and still have "FAILURE" tattooed all over my body..

Sometimes I wait until the house falls silent, and the sun is sleeping; to cry, and just let go of all the pain and thoughts that cloud my mind. Sometimes it helps, and sometimes it fails.. I don't know where to go in my own mind anymore...

I hate the person that I am, the person who inhabits this flesh, and the reflection that I see in the mirror.. I turn the people that I love the most into a monster that ends up hating me in the end. I have no way of turning back, or taking back... I just drown in my own hatred for myself and the words in which he uses to describe me.