Costumes.

There are times when I have no idea what to do. I find myself in situations in which I am afraid, when I shouldn't be. I cry when I am upset, and hurt, and I try to smile when I can, happy or not. There's a time when I just need to scream;
This is me. am the way I am, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a complex package. Take it or leave it. Accept me; or walk away. Don't try to make me feel less than who I am,because I don't fit your idea of who I should be. If I need to change, I will make that decision.

I was told today, that I wear many costumes of "Alyssa", and that I've burried myself under it all. I've burried the real Alyssa under it all, and its gotten so deep, I don't even know who I am anymore. It wasn't neccessarily a bad thing that this was brought to my attention, because I know that it has to be stopped. From my understanding, I've done this since day one of my own life, but at the same time, its taken me 21 years to realize, and actually put a name to it.

Each costume is for something different. To hide something else. A feeling, being ashamed of something, not wanting to be me, and so many other things. Each costume is like a layer, and slowly but surely I plan to peel each one of them away, and find myself. Find myself, raw, and real and actually me. I hate not knowing who I am looking at in the mirror, the few times that I actually take a good look.

As long as each of these costumes are allowed to "hang in the closet", its just as easy for me to put one right back on, to hide or protect myself, or my feelings. Alot of people have told me that I shouldn't have to do so; Protect myself, or my feelings, because its not how thigns should be. Although, the harsh reality of it all is that just because things are supposed to be a certain way, doesn't mean that it actually happens as so.

These costumes have felt like my real skin for so long, I am not sure where to start, and I know its going to be a hard road finding myself, and who I am at heart. There are so many things that I am going to let go of to help myself move on, and regain back who I was, and who I am.

I was told that I was always this little girl playing dress up, and I still am. Always changing costumes to fit certain things, certain ideals, or standards, and eventually lost myself amongst all the costumes.