Deeper Than the Flesh

My whole body hurts, so badly. The physical pain... I don't even know how to explain it, and the emotional pain is just as bad. I just want to curl up and cry until I can't anymore; but the messed up thing about that is, I can't even cry. I feel like I am completely surrounded by people and yet, I am so freaking alone in everything. I am the color in a black and white world. I can't, and I don't think that I want to reach out to anyone... No matter where I go, or who I turn to, I am still alone. I conceal my hurt and tears, because I have someone always watching me, and depending on me, and the last thing that I want to do is let her down. Everything is falling apart around me, and this far into it, I see no end to it. I can't stop it any longer. I feel like a caged animal being poked and proded, I have no where to go, and I just want to get out. I just want to cut away the pain of my life, and leave it be. I hate feeling this way. I hate being inside my own mind. I can't escape anything long enough to even smile. I close my eyes, and its a living hell even there. I never thought that I would return to this lonely place. I have tried and fought so hard to stay away from it, and yet.. Here I am. I hate admitting that. Gah, I hate it so freaking much.. But its the truth, all bullshit laid aside. I have been here for some time. I have been walking around with a smile plastered on my face, like nothing is ever wrong, and its just one big lie. I have lost all sight of whho I am, I pretend to be this person, I have no clue who she even is. I have no clue who I am. I wish I could just go back in time, to being a carefree little girl.. Even then, I wasn't a little girl. I wanted to grow up so bad, and now I am here, wishing to go back. Who am I? I wish I could answer that question, along with so many. I am so hopeless, among so many other things; and sometimes I am not sure how I manage thru. I look in the mirror and see an empty shell, hollow, and almost dead. I'm not sure what its like to even be happy like I used to. I don't know what that feels like anymore. When I see it, I can recognize it, but I don't feel it. I want that all back.. I don't listen to others much, especially when it comes to me, but when people who've known me for my entire life, ask me where my fire for life went, I have no answer; and it makes me think, "What's happend/happening to me?" Its sad I can't give myself an answer, I can't look at myself in the mirror and give myself an answer..