To Not Know

I close my eyes, as the tears fall from them, only wanting something better to come; an open ended wish, that isn't going to come true. I open my eyes, just wanting to shut them again. I listen to things around me, and I close myself off from the world; silencing everything around me. Do I expect too much? Do I want to much for my life? I know that I don't need much; close to nothing at all, actually. I don't understand that the one time that I actually want soemthing so bad, with my heart and soul, its the one thing that never happens. Is it me? Am I the thing that is preventing this from happening? The more that I think about it, the more that I am sure that it is me.

I take a deep breath in, and release it, wondering if peace is something real? Peace inside my heart and my mind? Can something of this really be acheived? Why can't I find it? I have worked so hard on myself, for everything else, and this is the one thing that is so far out of my reach. I don't get it.

I have anger in my life, in my heart, and in my head; that boils my blood at times. I hate possesing such a thing. I don't know why its even there. I look around and see happiness everywhere, except in my own reflection. I have the epitomy of happiness, and joy everday right beside me in the most beautiful form of a being; my daughter. Yet, when I look at myself, I see nothingness.

I drowned out the world; I close my eyes, block my ears, but my mind still runs. Tears still fall, my hands still shake, and I just want it all to go away... I feel like I am walking around with a fake smile plastered to my face. I am miserable, with myself.

I dream of better things, happy things for my life, and when I try to achieve them, or work toward them, it backfires. I know its a give and take process, you have to learn to walk all over again. I fall on my face over and over again. I keep asking myself, when does it stop? When can I succeed? Will I ever?

I used to be filled with hope, and joy, and big dreams; I am still, just not for me. For my daughter, that's a different story, I have so many hopes for her, and her life. I pray for her happiness, and that she does not know the ugliness this world holds within its grasp. As for myself, I feel like hollow shell of a person.

I am so lost, in my own life. The world that I created. Even in a crowded room, I feel so freaking alone. I hate it. The pain is so obvious, but no matter what I deny it all. I don't want anyone to see it. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but how long must mine stay open? They still hurt every single day. I am so tired of this. I can't believe it still hurts lke this. What am I waiting for? Something that isn't ever going to happen?

I changed who I am, in which I thought was for the better, and I can't even find myself anymore. I let you in, and learned what it was like to depend on you, and what it was like to need someone, and now, its the one thing that is hurting me. Sometimes, I want to undo the things that I have done to myself, because I don't know what would be better or worse.