There are so many moments through out the day, that make me want to give up, in a huge way. There have been times, where I have given up, but in a small way.. I will find myself crying all day, for hours at a time, letting myself fail. This to me is giving up. To me its giving up on my hope, and my faith, that God will take care of me, and the things that I go through. Yes, I have actually thought a few times, that I wasn't going to make through a few situations... I have given up on myself more times that anyone has probably given up in their entire life. I am harder on me, than anyone in this world.
When I fall, and can't get up mentally, I cry.. I will shut myself off from the world, and just live in my mind, which is the most destructive place. What hurts me the most is that, I can't find my out sometimes. I am put there, and I cry, and cry, and I don't know where to turn. I pray to God, begging Him to just take me home with Him, or help me through this. I hurt. My heart is breaking over and over, and I don't want it anymore. I don't want this feeling. Is it really a part of life? How so? Why does suffering and heartbreak have to be a part of life?
My heart breaks, and I am nothing else. I have my heart, my mind and my soul, but when you put all of those things together, and into something else. When one leg of the triangle breaks, so does the rest of it. It all falls down. I don't know what its like to be on the otherside of it.. I know how not to feel, I have done that for years, but I can't do that anymore. I have something in my life that I want to feel, and I want to hold close to me, just not at the extent of feeling dead inside. I feel so alive more than I do hurt, its just the hurt out weighs the good at times. I will never let go, its not in me to let go. Reguardless of how hard it gets, though saying that, its not a permission to let all hell to break loose at the expense of my heart.
I have been looked at as weak minded, because I deal with it.. Though to me, its not dealing with it, its more like fighting for something. There are going to be multiple bumps in the road, no one ever said that it was going to be easy, or even somewhat simple.. I work for something, towards a single goal... After so long, it does get tiring to hear it, and have people tell me what I am doing is submitting to something short of abuse. Which I think is ridiculous. Yes, its hard, and I fall apart, multiple times.. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Sometimes I don't know how I am going to make it through.. Kinda like right now.. I am hurt, and so down.. All I know is to pray, and cry. Thats all I feel. I want to curl up and disappear for the moment, or until I feel better. I am far away from the place that I call home, and the one I love... Love.. Its a bittersweet thing.. It makes you hurt, and cry more than anything in this world I think. But I know that I do it, because the one that I love, I can't live without, so I live with what comes along with it.. I find peace, hope, inspiration, and love, along with many more precious gifts, though there is still another side to the coin...
I close my eyes, and cry, thinking of the only place that I want to be, and I can't even get there for another 11 days... I have been called stupid recently for wanting to go back to the cause of things, and for wanting to try to fix it. I have been told that I can't fix it by myself, and I will keep trying until that it obvious, because I think that I CAN atleast try.
I keep looking for the Faith that I need to keep going. I pray for the Faith that I am lacking, in which I need to pull myself through. I am praying. I keep praying, and I keep crying... All I want is to feel better.. I want to be home.. I want all this to stop.
"God, please soothe my aching heart. Stitch up the wounds with Your word, and heal the blemishes that have just been left to be forgotten. Please heal me, and the wrath that my own mind takes upon me. Father God, I ask of you to take my soul, and bring it up, lift me up again. Dry my tears, and replace them with laughter. Bring peace back into my heart. I ask of You, to take a look at what I lack in my marriage, and fix me. Fix me, please. Whatever is wrong with Me, then please just fix me. Make me right by You, and by my husband. Give me the strength to be me, and let my heart shine again. Lord, forgive me for each of my sins everyday. Please, take my hand and walk with me down Your path. I ask all of this, in Jesus name, Amen."
Original Publish Date: 03/30/09
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