Parenthood - Hard Decisions

Looking back as far as four years ago now, I have questioned almost every single decision that I made from that point until now.

"Why did I leave with him? What was the REAL reason I married him? Why did I let it continue? Why didn't I leave after the first hit? Second? Third? Where was my spine at this point? Why was I afraid? I know staying together for our child won't work, why am I still here? Cheated on me again, and yet I stay? Am I weak? Am I not strong enought to walk away?''

There are about a million questions that I could ask, and that I could type right now that would fill this page for ages, and eventually it would run out of memory or room to type. As much as I question myself, I don't wish to change any of it. I know that at the time I would have found a reason or an excuse to why it is that I did what I did.

I was told, when I became pregnant, that from now on its going to be full of decisions some tough and some easier than most! And to whoever said that to me, you are so right! The hours creep by, but the years are flying away too fast from my grips!

Big events came and went in my life, anniversaries, birthdays, funerals, fights, police visits, court dates, mediations, and then divorce, with my daughter caught in the middle.

Going into it, I wanted to be this cut throat evil woman, and I had every right to do so. I had all the tools to make it happen as well. But then I had the urge to actually do what is right, and not what I wanted to do. This was NOT ABOUT ME, about about a very important little girl who deserves so much better.

Intermission

If dying meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume...Would you slow down? Or speed up?

This life is one huge stage, we are performers; if you will. Here to entertain whoever and whatever takes the time to stop, watch or listen. We entertain ourselves by the limelight, and we entertain others by the happiness, sadness, anger, and ecstasy. We will dance, act, and sing for all; But bleed, break, and cry only to ourselves.

Coming to the end of an act; the end of your life. Would you stay behind that curtain; dying? Or would you simply change costume?

Slowing down a one act play? Is that even possible? To make it last a lifetime and then some? You must add more flare, glamour, passion, drama, hurt, crisis, etc. Re-writing your script to make it lengthy. You put on your show. Staying strong, you push thru the aches, and short breath. You start slacking due to the pain you're putting upon yourself. Noticing one leaving their seat after another. You costume is drenched, shoes worn, voice hoarse, hair a mess... Another look to a half empty house. Your heart and eyes sink. Exhausted and now distracted, you missed a step... And then the fall. The stage floor is cold, hard, and empty, just like each of the seats in the house. Curtain Call.

To speed up, its a constant, never ending or aged crowd pleasing and attracting performance. Introducing new selves, and characters each second, each time the tempo picks up. How long does it take to become confused and running one character into the next? Regardless of how good the performer, if too fast and too much change, something will give. How long will it take for you to wish you would have chosen otherwise? Enjoyed a full house, repetative acts and routines, and a used costume? Everything new, at some point loses its luster, its shine, and becomes old and dull... Its so fast and ever changing, after a while, people will lose interest, and begin to wonder, "what is the purpose". One seat empty. "Who is that one again". Five seats empty. "Wait what happened" 20 seats empty. Before your costume is even warm, it hits the floor, putting on a shiny new cold one, all to walk out on that stage to an empty audience. Curtain Call.

Taking your act, scripted with all its ups and downs, and everything meaty inbetween, its meant to be that way. Read it as written, do not practice the adlib. Let the flare, glamour, and accents happen on their own. Let it be natural. When the curtain is drawn, do not be sad, or fill with anger as it is your time. Know that you gave it your all and performed from the heart. Do not wish to slow it down to savor something so small, that you miss the big encore. Nor wish to speed up to have that hige finale to miss the small details that make this all worth while.

Perform well. Live well.

Fear or Pain?

I have days were I seriously question my sanity, and wonder why I do what I do. I think that we all come to those conclusions now and again. It comes to one big question that reoccurs often: Why the hurt?

I have noticed that people are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. Feelings can and are disturbing at times. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can one deal with anything if they are afraid to feel? I am not sure that any sane person would continue to do something that hurts them, and causes them pain, but sometimes in order to get thru certain things, it happens and you bear with it, you grit your teeth and get thru it.

Pain is meant to wake us up, open our eyes. It makes us realize things that have all been forgotten. Or sometimes, it’s a painful reminder of how precious and sweet time can be. How little it takes and how much it meant.

People try to hide their pain, but they are wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio propped on your shoulder. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It is all how you carry it, that’s what matters. Don’t let it be something that you wear on your sleeve or something that you let bring you down… Learn thru the hard times, take something away from it, and build on it. Adapt and overcome.

Pain is a feeling, your feelings, which are a part of you, and your own reality. If you are ashamed to have felt or dealt with the pain, and you hide that fact, you’re letting fear destroy your reality and weaken who you are as a whole.

Never Mistake Beauty

Beautiful but Deadly...

From the top of her head, her beauty is undeniable. Something anyone and every is to notice. Envied by some. Hated by most, and wanted by all.

Lucious locks, long and sleek, begging you to run your fingers thru. Though, when you sleep, she'll being using it to strangle you.

Eyes desirable, with that "come hither" look. Seducing and watching your every move. Once she has you where she wants you, it's the last thing you'll ever see.

Lips, full colored of deep red wine. Meant to kiss and be kissed. Painted with a posion, that the lusted after contact, stops the heart, slowly and painfully.

A voice that speaks straight to your soul with an ease like no other, but blackens it and wreaks havvoc on when given the chance.

The body to draw every eye, no gender specifies, to stare, to fantisize, to hate, and to want. Though, she looks even more flawless glistening in your shade of crimson.

Hands to the softest of touch, caressing each inch of flesh, skin so porcelin almost white, and easy to stain. Yet, washes so clean of dirt after the work is done...

Never mistake it.

3 Things to Wish For...

Don’t wish me happiness – I do not expect to be happy. It’s gotten beyond that somehow. Wish me courage, strength, and a sense of humor, as I will need all three.


Wish me courage to open my eyes each morning, knowing that it could very well be my last, but not letting that exact though define who I am or how I live my life. I let each day be to the fullest no matter what comes my way, I bet I will laugh or smile today.
Wish me strength to keep moving forward, one step at a time, even when I find myself sitting on the floor in a puddle of tears, completely a mess. Though, picking myself up, dusting off, cleaning the mascara away from my stained cheeks, I know that it starts with one step, which can always be the hardest. Starting over? Or rewriting a new ending?

Wish me a sense of humor, to look back at everything I have done up to this point, and seriously laugh. Laugh at myself, the mess I made of things, the silly mistakes and choices I made, and then to celebrate my successes that I have found. Let me smile each day and laugh at something completely random, and share that with anyone and everyone I know.

Now I ask of those, to not wish me happiness, because its without expectation, and without expectation, you find it, because I’ve had it this whole time.

Try... Try.. Try again...

It seems as though I have this ever flowing river of “try” that fills my veins. It pumps through my body, and supplies my heart as if it were my own blood. No matter what it is, I will try, good or bad, I try.


I’ve never quite understood it myself, why I keep pushing on, why I keep trying. I’ve fallen on my face too many times to keep count, been made a fool, found myself in pain and in positions that one may describe as less than desirable, all to keep trying at something I vowed myself to, for the better or for the worst. When I truly knew that all hope was lost, I ignored all the obvious signs to stop trying and kept on anyway. Though, this particular attempt, I had to walk away from. I finally broke. I finally ran dry, of “try”. It killed who I was and what I had left. I had to realize that in a situation like this, walking away and knowing that it came down to quitting, was the true strength that I possessed. I had to realized that strength does not come from physical capability, but from an indomitable will. In the end of that chapter, that river of “try” was raw determination and strength. Something I am so thankful to have instilled in who I am.

I have often questions myself, for I do not know. “Why keep trying, Alyssa?” I ask myself, knowing that I have every reason to walk away. Specifically with people, friendships, relationships, etc. There are only a few people now that I have know so long, my childhood memories include them. So long I can name the elementary school we went to together. But sadly, too, so long that I have seen our friendship or relationship wither, and fade in and out thru the years. No matter how long the silence, the miles or the years were between us, you would call and I would answer. Visa versa. You were in need, and I helped, willingly, no questions asked, hands down, all in hopes that the childish games were done and over. Time, it has this funny and ironic way of repeating itself, and it did just that… Proved once again, they weren’t over, and not done. Out of the blue, things seem to have the right timing, random, but somehow right on time. You can label me skeptic now, as I wont let myself become too invested again, until I can see it solid. Thinking about that element of my “try”, I come to the conclusion of compassion. Compassion… Compassion, I have learned, will cure more hurt, wrong doings, and bad memories than condemnation. So in the end, no matter what, I will always try, but mind you this, do not mistake this for weakness, my friend.

As I continue to try in all areas of my life, I just accept that this is who I am, and I quit asking questions. I am hardheaded, stubborn and I will try regardless. This road is tough, but I travel it lightly. I know that there were places along this journey where I have wished I was someone else, and I am sure that there may be low points where I do again, but I just need to reassure myself that wishing I was someone else is a waste of who I already am.

Whatever chapter, my reader, take one thing, if anything from this life on display for eyes to read and words to speak,

“Don’t give up, and keep trying, but know your circumstances well, and the definitions of  'giving up' and 'try' as they can vary in context.”

Washed Away

I close my eyes, as the wind runs its fingers thru my hair; The coming waves dance across my feet, as the sound of it all, captivates my ears. All the while, letting these memories be carried away with each wave, as I begin to forget about you.

Wrapping my arms tighter around one another, I open my eyes to catch a glimpse of the amber sunset, knowing a new day is to come.

Strolling along the shoreline, a smile breaks my stone expression, when the sound of laughter fills my ears. Watching the greatest joy of my life, take in hers. She gives me hope in the things that are good in this world. She is the epitome of sheer beauty and happiness.

Each wave hits my skin, stealing away those memories that have weighed me down for too long. Taken away from the all the fear, the pain, scars and heartbreak. I pray for only the best for my daughter, and to never endure such feelings.

With a deep breath, I let your final memory go, and drop the last symbolic item of you in the coming wave, and in the last ounce of sunlight, I walk away, for you are no more.

Thinking Out Loud

Today my mind is ransacked with thoughts, memories, mixed emotions and dark clouds. “I want clarity”, I scream to myself countless times, daily. I know that trying to pick thru them, one by one, I will not get anywhere, just another headache, and something else to add to this shit list.


Thoughts; Random things have their tendency to flutter into my non-stop path of thought. Some that aren’t really worth my time to think about, yet I still try to unwind that ball of yarn. Others, that deserve ample amount of time, which I wont give, in fear of the feelings it may unveil, simply sit there.

Memories; Today, on the painful side of things. Loss. Heartbreak. Hurt. Anger. Stress. All vital in some weird way to help me pick up all the pieces. Right now, not spending too much time on just one single memory, kind of letting them flow thru like a running film strip. Some I will pause for a few seconds to bring back those feelings of happiness and contentment, and others that I will fast forward in hopes of becoming forgetful or an usual case of instant and selective amnesia.

Frustrations; They sit on the forefront of my sleeve right now… Anger right along next to it. Misery loves company, right? I am not one to put or take out such things on anyone or even lead on that there’s something wrong. These two emotions cause a huge stir in my heart and mind, unleashing a flood of never ending words…

Peeling away each layer is hard… Identifying one thing to the next is like trying to untangle a gold chain. The problems is obvious, and right there, but each participating part looks just like the next.
In time, I know that this storm will pass... Like they all do…

Hating You

The sickening feeling I get when I have to hear your voice, or when I have to see your face. I never thought it was possible for me to hate someone, but you have earned each and every bit of it. You have caused certain areas of my heart to blacken, and become so infested with malice, its unreal.


Any reminder of you, makes me want to light it afire and watch it burn. I have done it to so many now already, watching them turn to ash, I only wish the memory in my brain would too.

I truly never thought that this sort of feeling was possible for me, because I am so against the word “hate” but I have conquered that mountain in myself. I know what it is to feel it, and live it. I hate you. Its simple. I wish nothing to be a part of you, and unfortunately there is something so innocent and precious in my life that you aren’t worthy of, in which ties you to me. If only I could cut all ties. If only. Its not like it would make any difference to you.

The anger wells up inside my mind, and there is stays. I do not lash out at anything or anyone, because its not theirs to be felt. Its yours. One day, I know, it is not me that will convict you for the things you have done. Though as for now, you’re getting away with it. God works in a way that we do not understand, and ultimately it is Him who decides.

Contradicting much? Using “hate” and God in the same passage? I am not perfect. I am not a perfect Christian, but the feeling I have for you, sums itself up in the word “Hate”. I pray for forgiveness for possessing such a feeling, as I know we should not hate. But that is the least of it.

I watch myself climb, and grow greater, more successful and happier on this path, and I look down, and there you. No more rear view mirrors here.. Not looking back ever again. The past is the past, and I won’t return, because nothing about it is appealing. The though did cross my mind a time or two, for the simple well being of something to precious, but time proved that too, with the support and love provided nothing changed without you there, just made it better. Happier. Safer.

Hate, by definition;
To dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for.

Who needs a definition really, when you feel it in every being of who you are?

Anxiety in Volumes

As the thoughts cross my mind, my stomach turns, causing this gut wrenching feeling every time. The fear and anxiety was way too much to simply shrug off and disregard. I couldn’t just simply forget, and walk past it on a clean slate.

I can fight this until the moon no longer rises, but it won’t change the feelings harbored inside of me. It won’t change the impressions, dents, and holes its created in my being. I don’t dare offer something that does not have a solid foundation, as it would be unfair. In this case, the foundation is warped, broken, and weak, as its fallen to the wrath of many different elements which eventually took their toll.

I gave something treasured away, for safe keeping, protection and love. Though one too many times was it returned shattered into a million pieces. Reconstructing the same ting over and over again, watching the same old pieces crumble, and break a little bit further each time. Before I realized it, the pieces became just that… pieces. There was nothing left to be put back together. Its been broken too many times, the pieces no longer have a place, other than being scattered on the floor.

I’m not entirely sure what the expectations were, but being chained by this is not what I want. Fighting something everyday that drains the life out of my, and devours my last ounce of energy; that’s not a life I want. I’ve done that before, and ended up a broken hollow person.

Giving voice to this, sheds much needed light on the situation, causing some wheels to turn, and a heart to break. Though, that alone can be hurtful; try walking a mile in my heels. Being at a state of contance; mending your heart and world over and over, after the wrath of the hands that are supposed to hold you, protect you and love you, tear it apart.
Neither comprehension nor learning can take the place in an atmosphere of anxiety.

Patiently Questioning which is Unsolved

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you thru impatience and force. If these answers were something that was going to be readily available all the time, how would one truly know the strength of their own heart?


To all that is unsolved in one’s heart, there is a polar opposite; being resolved. These issues all have reason, all have purpose, and all have answers. Don’t try to “figure” them out, if you wait, patiently and faithfully they will come. Do not start to lean on your own understanding of things, or the thoughts that may arise in this process, because you do not know what waits for you. Just be patient.

Questions are there. Doubt is there. Confusion and frustration may live along side it all too, but you cannot let these things overcome and take over who you are. Don’t become ill hearted because there are things that you do not understand in which are going on in your heart, and mind. These times are when you do some soul searching and rediscover who you are, and what you’re capable of becoming.

Try to, if possible, to look at this all and embrace it, because it’s a huge hint that you are growing as a being. Your soul, your mind, your spirit, and most importantly your heart; its all becoming something greater, or let’s hope for the greater. In saying that, if you overwhelm yourself in bad dealings, you will wilt with the weight of darkness, though embrace the change and blossom with an uplifting life.

That choice is yours. Which will you take?

[Insert Name here] Against the World

Even the most enduring of people need support, whether it’s asked for or not; the support is still there. Regardless of where it comes from; family, friends, strangers; it’s all very much appreciated when you are the person who is needing that support.


It’s always nice to know that you have that net to catch you when you fall, or just a helping hand when you stumble. There are the fortunate people in this world, who have a huge support system, compiled of their family and friends, and who ever else they’ve trusted to be let in. There is also the unfortunate of the bunch, who in reality know nothing of the sort. Then, there is a misunderstood and blurred line between the two extremes. It’s those who have partial or selective support.

To me, that has to be the hardest of the three. Honestly, when you have all the support in the world, you can do anything, and if you’ve never had an inkling of what support felt like you cannot miss it. You overcome and adapt and move on. Although, those who fall in this tornado of a circumstance, get the short end of the stick from both sides. For those in this category, their support comes when they are doing something everyone agrees on or something that they wanted them to do, not for any other reason. They don’t receive that “I got your back thru thick and thin” kind of feeling, because its not there. It’s non existent. This to me is faulty, weak, and ultimately fake.

It’s sad when you seek advice from those who are supposed to love you and want only the best for you, and that is honestly the last thing they consider; what is good for you? They will tell you what you should not considering feelings, or circumstances, or even your surroundings. They turn their backs in disagreement and rejection when you fight for something that you love? They walk away when you finally ask for help? What does that do to a person? How does that make them feel?

It happens everyday in the lives of people we all know close to our hearts. It could even be there face staring back at you in your reflection, too. Choose these people wisely, don’t bypass red flags of those who you call family, just because they are family. Don’t succumb to a friend because they have it all. Be you, do you, choose you.

Forgive and Not Forget

Forgiving does not erase the the bitter past. It does not replace, nor forget it either. If you will, it provides a foundation of hope, to grow from; To move upward from, and hopefully provide a new ideal of what should be. The past should stay right there, in the past, for you can not change those events; no matter how hard you try. All that matters, is how you take those experiences and choose to learn from them, letting those lessons guide you into changing what can come in the future, and affecting the way that you will provide and handle it.

A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Even in memory, those feelings are still real, and are still as fresh as they were the day it happened. Do not dismiss them, as bigger issues may arise from the inconsiderations. Though, at the same time, do not tiptoe around them either. This is a part of life, recognizing the problem, and working forth to resolve it. This process should be taken slow, and one day at a time. All people heal differently, and their time frame may be completely off from mine, but to me, nothing is better than ensuring that you are healing wholly and not just dismissing the hurt and stuffing it inside.

Instead of forgiving what we cannot forget, we create a new way of remembering. We take that memory from our past, and use it as motivation for our future. We reassure ourselves that there's more to this beautiful diaster of life. "Good things come to those who wait", ring a bell? Patience and dealing with these things will result in good, it will come in its own time.

No matter how far off the pedastol one falls, they'll deserve a second chance. Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts God has fiven to us, and with it comes understanding.

Conditions of the Heart

We all have hearts, and I am not just talking about the organ beating in our chest, I am talking about the emotional ties, the physical ties, the figurative ties to "the heart".

Paper Heart

When you keep a paper heart, you will find yourself writing all over it. Scribbles here, and doodles there. Some will have erased marks on it, and others scratched out names in ink. Though over time, all the writing, doodling, erasing and marking out will wear the paper thing, and soon tear it up. One day, it will end up, crumbled up, at the bottom of a trash bin; all the notes, names, dates, feelings and memories all forgotten and thrown away, just like a simple piece of paper.

Heart of Stone

Heavy and tiring may be a few things you feel weighing you down, walking around with a heart of stone. You're able to deflect feelings of all kind; good, bad, and everything in between. Though in a round-about-way, you are doing more bad than good to yourself. That stone will cause wounds in your being, wounds that no one can see, and no one can feel but you. If you watch a rock out in nature, over a few months it starts to erode away. The elements of the world break it down, or the hand of a child breaks it completely. One good storm, or one good arm could be the end of that stone, and the end of your heart.

The Cold Heart

Harboring a cold heart does nothing but harm for the body, mind and the soul. Sickly with infectious feelings of anguish and pain, you will grow secluded and distant from what you know and who you are. You do not trust, because you have been deceived. You fear because you have been hurt. One day you will have to let go of these feelings, these fears and insecurities, and let the ice melt away, bringing back to life, the feelings you willingly froze.

Flesh Hearted

Considerable the most painful, yet the most rewarding at the same time. You feel happiness, sadness, hurt and love; along with everything else in between. You are compassionate and can be heavy with grief too. When you love, you love hard, and forgive slowly. The flesh hearted will willingly give their heart to a deserved persons, and ask for nothing in return.

Regardless of your story; regardless of your journey, choose wisely. Choose your heart wisely. Don't let your mind and heart feud and lead you astray. Listen to both equally and find common ground. You don't want to find yourself alone in a room full of people, knowing that someone in there is willing to love you with all their heart, and the only thing that you can giver them in return is a hollow shell of a person. Choose the condition of your heart wisely. 

Words of Wisdom

I am usually someone that my friends or people in general come to, to talk to; Which I personally love, because it lets me know that they value my advice or look up to me in a sense for wisdom on whatever it may be.


I have been often told that I know just what to say to make things better, or that my advice was just what they needed to get through something that was going on in their life. No questions asked, I will help and offer my words to who ever it may be. I hate seeing people hurt, discouraged, or any other feeling that brings them down. I want to lift their spirits and their hearts, and help them refocus their eyes on the good, instead of concentrating on the bad.

Sometimes I find those people who take me for granted with such a thing, and for those people, it’s truly their loss. I don’t worry myself with it, nor let it burden me. If they were truly someone that was meant to stay in my life, they would have without being short changed.

This is simply my message to those who I have helped through my words.

"Do not assume that she who comforts your now, lives untroubled among the simple and quiet words that sometimes do your heart and mind good. Her life may also have much sadness and difficulty that remains far beyond yours. Were it otherwise, she would have never been able to find such words.

There are instances where words are simply words. They are the one thing that you can’t take back, so be careful how you fight with them, how you love with them, and how you hurt with them. They can put you on top of the world, and turn around a burn it to the ground. We all know the expressions “actions speak louder than words” and “actions speak volumes”, what happened to the value of someone’s word? Knowing such things, all I offer is my wisdom expressed through words, expressed through me recapping my experiences. Using words, simple words. Don’t say things you don’t mean, but do things you mean to say."

"Alis Volat Propriis"

"Alis Volat Propriis"

Words that are close to my heart, and forever on my skin. These three words strike a deep chord in my life and in my heart. 

"I always soared high on confident wings, almost like my feet never touched the ground"

I've always been an independent person through out my life, very head strong and confident as well. Though, there came a time in my life, in which I was none of the characteristics listed above. I had lost myself.

My wings had been clipped.

I became like a trapped bird, caged up and under constant fire. I would cry behind closed doors. I would hurt underneath the masks I wore. I would laugh under fake circumstances. I would believe in something which only existed in a book. I was slowly fading into the shadows of a dark room.

Clipped wings grow weak as they can not fly.

One day something changed in me, as the seasons bring change to the world, drastic yet beautiful. I soon started to realize that the reflection staring back at me was becoming more whole, and full of life again. Over some time, there stood confidence, happiness, faithfullness, and simply me.

I was caged no more.

Standing my ground, not being that doormat; there I was. That changed cause alot of problems, and brought on new sights. I brought myself back to life, and that was not going to change ever again. In doing so, I one day, found myself wearing alot more than my usual. Carrying around more troubles than the world could bear. Hurting unlike ever before.

Mirrors don't lie, and concealer doesn't hide everything.

At the end of my rope.. I terrorized the walls of my cage, I had to get out. I had to leave and not look back. I couldn't think twice about what was going to happen, I just had to do it. I had to go and go far away

Left an empty cage.

Getting back on my own two feet was hard and a bit shaky at times. I lost my balance frequently, but now I am standing strongly, and on my own two feet.

The beauty of extended wings.

Now, moving forward, and at the most vibrant and fullest I have ever bee in this world; I carry on. I don't take a single day for granted, and I live with no regrets. I love as hard as I know how to, because I will never know where the end is. I am happy with this outcome and faithfully welcome the future and whatever it may bring. I found my voice, my faith, my wings- there's no stopping or changing it now.

She Flies on Her Own Wings.

Discovery by Challenging

Life is one big game, if you will. I personally believe that its all predetermined for each of us. Now, I only speak for myself and no one else. We all go thru our own trials and tribulations, some are mean as a test; a test of our faith, our awareness, or simply our hearts. These hard times can often be lessons; some in disguise for those that must learn the hard way, and other times as raw as a naked body- the lesson is evident; Which ever way they appear in our lives, we may not see or understand the "why" to it, until its all over.

Life's challenges aren't supposed to paralyze you, instead they're supposed to help you discover who you are. No matter how ugly the situation may be, ultimately there is a reason for it, and in all reality you have to simply deal with it and take care of it. If you were to try and run from it, the release from it would be very temporary, because as soon as you stop to catch your breath, its knocking at your door once again. We all, at times, fall under the conviction of being stubborn or ignorant at one point or another, and may try to stay at a constant run, "high speed, low drag", as my Dad would say, it is then that you will find yourself in a bigger bind than you began in. These are things that you can not run from. They are a path in life that you are going to have to walk down, like it or not.

When you're brought to a tough place in life, and it seems as though you may not make it through, just know in your heart, and with all your heart that you will in fact make it through. Do not doubt what you do not know. There is a reason that this chaos was brought to your front steps. Know that there will be someone to help you up when you fall. Knowing this, harbors into something like Faith, in fact the exact same thing. As simple as it is to put it words, its one of the hardest things to do.

You have to begin to trust and believe in yourself, and grow confident in who you are. Through the challenges, whatever they come to form as, there is always an upside. It may be hard to find it at the moment, and may take some amount of time to find and gain its understand, but is there. Each day, doors open and close in our lives, by the decisions that we make. In that same note, we are the ones who control and decide what bridges to take and which ones to burn.

Discovering one's self doesn't happen overnight, or may not happen over decades, as its a never ended journey until they day that your last breath escapes from your lungs; it is then that you may have fully discovered and explored every inch of your being. You heart. Your soul. Your mind. Your life. Life is going to be what you make of it, so don't let challenging days waste your time in believing that you can not move forward and overcome whatever is going on. Life is a beautiful masterpiece waiting for its artist, so step up to the plate and start to paint.

The Gift of Words from One Heart to Another

Corinthians 16:13

13"Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith;

be men of courage; be strong".

14"Do everything in love".

A friend off me this scripture to share, being close to his heart, and possibly for mine to find comfort in as well. Upon reading it, once or twice, I noticed that it touched on different places in my life, my heart, and my faith. These simple words covered so much ground, encasing my heart in its reliability of being truthful.

When I read it again for the final time, before I pick up my pen, I break it down in my head; fragment by fragment; and word for word. All of it touching my heart and turning the wheels in my head; stirring up my thoughts to pour onto paper in the disguise of words.

"Be on your guard"

To watch or be cautious of the snares that have been set by the enemey or enemies of your heart. At the same time, do not disreguard the unfamiliar, because you do not know, just keep your eyes peeled. I know that I have this horrible habit of predetermining the outcome of situations and beating myself up before it ever happens, now I must steer clear of this habitual action, for each new discovery may lead to a new path, in which I do not know what is in store.

"Stand firm in the faith"

My faith is strong, though like many things, has a tendency to grow weary, and sometimes even flat out weak. I fall down at times, and not sure if I can get up, but with a faithful heart, and a hopeful hand; I'll look up and ask for help. I know that where I may be, I can confide in what I know in my heart, and the knowledge that He's provided me through the years and expereiences of my life.

"Be men of courage"

By definition it means "the quality of the mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc, without fear; bravery". To me it also emits a sense of strength, which begins to touch next. To know when to walk away and have the courage to do so, full heartedly, faithfully, and confidently. No matter how it appears, I know that with all my heart I will  make it through. God has already made sure of that. He put me here in this situation for a reason, He will bring me through whatever is before me, and He will make sure that I come out survived.  In God's hands I am protected.

"Be strong"

Although self explanatory; strength has many faces, and many costumes, but I know that I have found mine through the costumes I once wore. Through the masks I put on each day. I have found mine. Its real. Its mine. Its God given.

Lastly..

"Do everything in love"

I have a daily reminder of what the product of love can bring; and she's my whole world. I know that love has been the greatest gift to me, and at the same time, has caused me the most pain. Either way, you can't seem to live without it. With one comes the other; but in that pain- you learn to love harder, stronger and longer.

Words are often more than just words; they can be the comfort that someone needs; The dream that for someone came true; The news that all dread to hear; Or the words that tear their world apart; Whichever comes out of a speaker's mouth towards you; choose your defense wisely, and protect your heart.

Resentful Changes

Changing who you are, is hard; there really isn't much of a word to be found to decribe the actual feeling... I just know the feeling, personally. I'd never want to watch someone go thru it, like someone did to me, carelessly.

I changed who I was for someone, in hopes to bring back the good. In the midst of it all, I lost who I was. I lost my voice. I remember the pain I endured; the pain of letting go of things I have cherished all my life, but bit the bullet, and did it anyway. "Good can only come of this, in the end", I'd tell myself that. Wether I actually believed it, I'm not sure.

I took amounts of blame, responsibilities; mine or not. I made excuses for actions which were inexcusable. The end of the day, I'd just close my eyes, and drown everything out.

There's not much to recall from those days; each good memory was followed, and sometimes interrupted by a far more horrible one. Always a fight. Always intent to hurt. Where is love supposed to dwell in the middle of that? Can or will it survive? Making a long story short... It didnt.

I tried becoming someone ideal, according to the words out of somone's mouth; in turn the same who's words were basted with venom, soaking deep into my skin. Regardless of it all, I still walked on, steadily changing things, right and left.

Disheartened by the ignorance of everything that I had  done, I quit. I gave up. I truly put my hands up, and said "You won". I had to realize that giving up didn't make me weak, and that I was strong enough to realize it was time to let go.

Now, free from what had once bound me, I find myself contemplating those days, my actions, asking myself, "What was I thinking" and "What was I trying to accomplish"?

This is what I have come to;

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself, and you'll understand the little chance you have in changing others".

Fistfuls of Sand

Quietly, and contently, I watched my daughter play, listening to her laugh, and shake my head at the thought and sight of the mess she's making of herself, playing in the sand.

I watched, as she'd plunge her hands, as deep as she could get them, in the sand, slowly and carefully inspecting the way she brought it to the surface; open handedly, trusting and careful. Though, the second her excitement got the best of her, she clenched her fist, watching the sand seap thru the spaces between her fingers.

It dawned on me, how such a small senario as such, related to so many things in life. At the same time, it amazed me, at how such an overwhelming concept came from child's play, and the innocence in it.

Relationships. Relationships of any, are like the sand, captured in my daughter's dainty hands. When its held gently, loosely, and with an open hand, the sand remains in place. When the excitement of life shatters the control, and the hands start to close, the tighter the grip, the harder its squeezed, the more that is lost; trickling thru her fingers, just like that sand. Some may have still remained, but most of it is lost.

Holding something cherished, with respect, freedom and trust for it will more likely keep it all intact. Holding it too tightly, too possessively, too controlling will cause it to wilt, slip away, until its completely gone.

Quoted

Today, I read something by Amercan Playwright, August Wilson, and for some reason it simply stood out to me, etching its words into my heart. Wilson wrote;

    
     "Confront the dark point of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as fuel, as a reminder of your strength."

I read it over again a few times, and let the words soak up into me, like a dry sponge drinking up every last bit of water in a puddle, it was then I realized it was hitting close to home. When I write, it tends to exute a more sober feeling than anything else; people often ask if I am okay, and the answer to that is yes. This is my healing process; Writing is part of my healing.

We all have our own demons, some far worse than others. My demons tend to take form as trust and mistrust. I trust myself and a select few that I can count on one hand. Everyone else that falls in and aroud my life, I will keep you at a safe distance of an arms length. I don't trust people well, but I do make sure I am worthy of someone else's trust.

I may have forgiven those who've done me wrong, giving fuel to these demons that were once harbored into my soul, but its doesn't mean I let them win. It doesn't mean that they are still draining the life from me. What it does me is that I haven't forgotten what has happened. It goes back to the elementry saying "forgive, but never forget"; that is where I am.

I have predetermined myself that I will overcome the wreckage that was made of my life and begin to rebuild the foundation that makes me who I am. The angels in which surround me in my daily walk, have never had such a volume as they do now. Their rejoices only impact mine more.

The pain, I know is only temporary. It will leave every bit of me in due time, as I have to allow myself to heal, and heal wholly. I will walk away from this fire, untouched, unscathed, clean, refreshed, and whole.

I have declared myself a strong woman, because I choose to win this battle each and every day.

None VS. All

None VS. All

There is a type of person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, and becomes nothing. They may avoid the suffering and sorrow now, but they simply cannot learn and feel, change and grow, live and love.



Then there is another; one who risks it all in hopes of change, does everything to assure room for growth, becomes something close to ideal as a result of learning, gaining the world when they finally let them self live and know what it is to love. This person may not directly or intentionally avoid any suffering or sorrow, but whatever may come their way, will be handled beautifully.



I’ve found that out of these two people, one will end up hurt; miserably as a result of the lack of the other person, entirely. Though, when its said and done, their heart may know many boundaries, but it can offer someone worthy a far greater devotion that ever thought possible.



Eventually, the latter person will come to realize what has been lost, and try every avenue but them self to blame. Regret? No, not yet, if ever. In due time, it becomes clear out of a foggy haze what kind of path they lead; when that time comes they will pull out all the stops; trying to gain any single reaction coming from whatever emotion they can get; good or bad. Sooner or later, their actions will be stamped as unnoticed and uncared for, it is at this time when they truly realize what they’ve done.



So I ask you this; “Is it better to have it all, and not care because you know its there, or have nothing at all and know its gone because of you”?

 
 
*If you read this, feel free to comment with your answer*

Meaning.

Sometimes I find that I simply exist through each day, without effect. I often wonder if I am truly worth the things that I have been blessed with.

I watch the days, minutes, and seconds that have been hard, like a movie reel playing through my eyes. I try to understand all the many trials that my heart has known, and the life that I have.

Those who know me, close to their heart, see me confident, stubborn, and strong; although when I am alone, I get the best of myself and start to question, “How is it that I have made it this long”?

At times, I try too hard to grasp the understanding of anything, I’ve come to realize. To analyze and guess; to scrutinize, judge and investigate. This part of my life I come to confess.

I feel that somewhere, deeper than the flesh of a heart and one’s own understanding, that there is more meaning to this life. I know there is a difference to be made, relief from the reasons and causes of strife.

What is missing? I see what appears to be an incomplete agenda waiting somewhere to be found. I try not to question what greater purpose may arise if and when the beating of my own heart is the only heard sound. We all know how that goes though.

I catch a small grasp of the silver lining as it taunts and teases me; Always slightly out sight, only to be felt once just before it was ripped from my fingertips, becoming nothing but a hazy vision now out of reach. Finding its place where the darkness suffocates the light.

I try to analyze and bring the clarity to what could possibly await me out there, yet the harder I try, the more I struggle. Eventually, I let this bittersweet illusion fade before my eyes. In a round-about-way it just serves to add more unanswered questions.

I keep telling myself to let the control slip thru my fingers, like the sand escaping between my open fingers, and to not try to gain the understanding of it all. It will come. When? Can we ever truly know just what we have in store?

Each encounter, every moment passed, enumerate upon the next. Eventually, as it comes to cease, I will find closure, inspiration and advice; or will I be left perplexed?

Knowingly, I make it harder that it has to be sometimes; I am rest assured that in my search, I will find my reason, find my meaning to this ever crazy beautiful disaster of life.

I refuse to be left broken or confused as I am now, while all my unanswered questions bring no solitude, it will all be apparent, visible and in reach, somehow.