Meaning.

Sometimes I find that I simply exist through each day, without effect. I often wonder if I am truly worth the things that I have been blessed with.

I watch the days, minutes, and seconds that have been hard, like a movie reel playing through my eyes. I try to understand all the many trials that my heart has known, and the life that I have.

Those who know me, close to their heart, see me confident, stubborn, and strong; although when I am alone, I get the best of myself and start to question, “How is it that I have made it this long”?

At times, I try too hard to grasp the understanding of anything, I’ve come to realize. To analyze and guess; to scrutinize, judge and investigate. This part of my life I come to confess.

I feel that somewhere, deeper than the flesh of a heart and one’s own understanding, that there is more meaning to this life. I know there is a difference to be made, relief from the reasons and causes of strife.

What is missing? I see what appears to be an incomplete agenda waiting somewhere to be found. I try not to question what greater purpose may arise if and when the beating of my own heart is the only heard sound. We all know how that goes though.

I catch a small grasp of the silver lining as it taunts and teases me; Always slightly out sight, only to be felt once just before it was ripped from my fingertips, becoming nothing but a hazy vision now out of reach. Finding its place where the darkness suffocates the light.

I try to analyze and bring the clarity to what could possibly await me out there, yet the harder I try, the more I struggle. Eventually, I let this bittersweet illusion fade before my eyes. In a round-about-way it just serves to add more unanswered questions.

I keep telling myself to let the control slip thru my fingers, like the sand escaping between my open fingers, and to not try to gain the understanding of it all. It will come. When? Can we ever truly know just what we have in store?

Each encounter, every moment passed, enumerate upon the next. Eventually, as it comes to cease, I will find closure, inspiration and advice; or will I be left perplexed?

Knowingly, I make it harder that it has to be sometimes; I am rest assured that in my search, I will find my reason, find my meaning to this ever crazy beautiful disaster of life.

I refuse to be left broken or confused as I am now, while all my unanswered questions bring no solitude, it will all be apparent, visible and in reach, somehow.