It seems as though I have this ever flowing river of “try” that fills my veins. It pumps through my body, and supplies my heart as if it were my own blood. No matter what it is, I will try, good or bad, I try.
I’ve never quite understood it myself, why I keep pushing on, why I keep trying. I’ve fallen on my face too many times to keep count, been made a fool, found myself in pain and in positions that one may describe as less than desirable, all to keep trying at something I vowed myself to, for the better or for the worst. When I truly knew that all hope was lost, I ignored all the obvious signs to stop trying and kept on anyway. Though, this particular attempt, I had to walk away from. I finally broke. I finally ran dry, of “try”. It killed who I was and what I had left. I had to realize that in a situation like this, walking away and knowing that it came down to quitting, was the true strength that I possessed. I had to realized that strength does not come from physical capability, but from an indomitable will. In the end of that chapter, that river of “try” was raw determination and strength. Something I am so thankful to have instilled in who I am.
I have often questions myself, for I do not know. “Why keep trying, Alyssa?” I ask myself, knowing that I have every reason to walk away. Specifically with people, friendships, relationships, etc. There are only a few people now that I have know so long, my childhood memories include them. So long I can name the elementary school we went to together. But sadly, too, so long that I have seen our friendship or relationship wither, and fade in and out thru the years. No matter how long the silence, the miles or the years were between us, you would call and I would answer. Visa versa. You were in need, and I helped, willingly, no questions asked, hands down, all in hopes that the childish games were done and over. Time, it has this funny and ironic way of repeating itself, and it did just that… Proved once again, they weren’t over, and not done. Out of the blue, things seem to have the right timing, random, but somehow right on time. You can label me skeptic now, as I wont let myself become too invested again, until I can see it solid. Thinking about that element of my “try”, I come to the conclusion of compassion. Compassion… Compassion, I have learned, will cure more hurt, wrong doings, and bad memories than condemnation. So in the end, no matter what, I will always try, but mind you this, do not mistake this for weakness, my friend.
As I continue to try in all areas of my life, I just accept that this is who I am, and I quit asking questions. I am hardheaded, stubborn and I will try regardless. This road is tough, but I travel it lightly. I know that there were places along this journey where I have wished I was someone else, and I am sure that there may be low points where I do again, but I just need to reassure myself that wishing I was someone else is a waste of who I already am.
Whatever chapter, my reader, take one thing, if anything from this life on display for eyes to read and words to speak,
“Don’t give up, and keep trying, but know your circumstances well, and the definitions of 'giving up' and 'try' as they can vary in context.”
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