Resentful Changes

Changing who you are, is hard; there really isn't much of a word to be found to decribe the actual feeling... I just know the feeling, personally. I'd never want to watch someone go thru it, like someone did to me, carelessly.

I changed who I was for someone, in hopes to bring back the good. In the midst of it all, I lost who I was. I lost my voice. I remember the pain I endured; the pain of letting go of things I have cherished all my life, but bit the bullet, and did it anyway. "Good can only come of this, in the end", I'd tell myself that. Wether I actually believed it, I'm not sure.

I took amounts of blame, responsibilities; mine or not. I made excuses for actions which were inexcusable. The end of the day, I'd just close my eyes, and drown everything out.

There's not much to recall from those days; each good memory was followed, and sometimes interrupted by a far more horrible one. Always a fight. Always intent to hurt. Where is love supposed to dwell in the middle of that? Can or will it survive? Making a long story short... It didnt.

I tried becoming someone ideal, according to the words out of somone's mouth; in turn the same who's words were basted with venom, soaking deep into my skin. Regardless of it all, I still walked on, steadily changing things, right and left.

Disheartened by the ignorance of everything that I had  done, I quit. I gave up. I truly put my hands up, and said "You won". I had to realize that giving up didn't make me weak, and that I was strong enough to realize it was time to let go.

Now, free from what had once bound me, I find myself contemplating those days, my actions, asking myself, "What was I thinking" and "What was I trying to accomplish"?

This is what I have come to;

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself, and you'll understand the little chance you have in changing others".