Life is one big adventure to us all, and those we add several different elements to it, such as marriage, children, jobs, etc, etc, can make for many different outcomes. Some are horrible disasters and some are so wonderful, that they are great blessings from God, Himself.
Sometimes, I go through events in my path that make me feel like I can no longer go on, because they hurt so much. The pain rips my heart from my chest, and I no longer want to live with the things that I have before me. I have done my deal of dishing out hurt to others, and I have suffered and tortured myself day and night about it to this very day. For that I am sorry, and I look to God for forgiveness.
I have always told myself that, "God will not put me through anything that I can't handle", and I firmly believe that. I often realize how much I underestimate myself, and my abilities that God has given me. I feel pain differently that you do, I handle hurt differently that you do as well. When I cry, I have nothing left, I am holding nothing back, because I am so broken down. I feel the way Jeremiah did in Lamentations 3:1-21. He describes how he beaten and so discouraged by what has happened to him, but the only faith he can find, is in God. Though his pain was very physical, and mine only very emotional. Either way, the hurt still feels the same. I may not have had bruises, or broken bones, but what I did have is a broken heart, and little hope.
This kind of pain falls on the heart like a fog. The fog of a broken heart slyly imprisons the soul and refuses to escape or release it. This feeling honors no hour, and respects no person. It can drive any one person to quit and give up on the greatest thing that has ever happened to them. Though, for once, I had to conquer the dreadful companions of this fog, and know that God will get me through this, as much as I can't figure out what to do next, He will give me a path.
I was so ready to leave, and never look back on it, or you ever again, but I couldn't. I love you too much, though at the same time, the hurt was more greater. I couldn't even look at you, I didn't even want to touch you. In my head I would pray, "God please, I am in need of your strength. I need you to fill me up with Your grace and forgiveness, in order for me to get through this. Father God, please give me a path to walk, to make me feel better, and to mend my heart. God, please tell me what I should do, and what is the right decision to make that is right by You, and right by my heart." With every second that passed, I said this over and over, choking back tears. I choked them back, not because I was afraid to cry in front of you, though I did want you to see the pain and the hurt that you caused me, but I did it because I wanted to be strong enough to handle myself and get through it.
As the minutes slowly creeped by, and the car ride seemed like it would never end, I knew that my prayer was heard, and that God was going to give me something to keep me going. I know this, and believe this because the Bible itself says in John 14:13 (The Answered Prayer) "And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father be glorified in the Son. If you ask anything in My name I will do it." So I knew that in His time, He will answer me.
"God, I know that You forever dwell within my heart, because I have come to You, and asked You to make it Your home as well. You have blessed me with many things in my life that I am grateful for. You have tested my will and my heart for You, granted I may have fallen on my face a few times, before I have succeeded, You still stood beside me with Your unconditional love. I thank You for all the things in my life that you have blessed me with. "One ride, one try, one life to love with hopes and dreams of second chances"
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Things
Sometimes I miss the little things.. Actually, I always miss the little things.. Because they are the one item that changes so quickly, and easily forgotten. I don't know how others view them, but to me, its the moments that make up the lifetime you have. They convey and create some of the greatest memories, or atleast they have in my life.
There are times that I don't even like chocolate ice cream anymore, and most of the time, its when I am sad.. And chocolate ice cream makes me feel better.. So why has it failed on me now?
I can sit an watch sappy, tear jerker movies, to make me feel better. I enjoy seeing fake love, and superficial story lines some how.. And for some odd ass reason, that is still unbeknownst to me. I guess, for some reason it gives me hope, and hope for what I have no clue. I have a good marriage, and a good life... So what else is there to hope for?
I stress out over the strangest things. And sometimes, I feel like a fool when I look back on it, because I freaked out over it. It reminds me that I am still human, and that I will stress over the stupid things.
I cry about alot of things. I cry when I get so angry, I can't function. I cry when I get frustrated. I cry when I miss things, remember the good times, think about my little brother, fight with my husband, feel worthless, when I am depressed, or just sad... I cry and sometimes I never even know the reason why... As the tears fall down my face, I feel like I can't do anything at that point. When I cry, its me.. I have nothing left of me.. Thats what I have come down to. I hate it when I cry though, I feel vunerable, and flesh hearted, which is so easily hurt.
I have happiness, and find in it the strangest of ways... I can catch a glimpse of the sunset, and somehow find the faith in it. I see colorful flowers in a world full of black and white, and know that I will make it through. I see little kids running and playing around, and laugh knowing that there is still some good left in the world. I close my eyes, and feel my baby move around, and realize I am going to be a Mother... Which is an all new feeling for me. I bow my head and pray to ask for happiness.. The kind that God has had planned for us, for many years now.. I open my eyes, and often see it around me, even though, looking at my left hand, says it all with one little "thing".
I get sad when I feel alone on a decision or situation that means alot to me. I can be easily pushed around when I feel like I am no longer wanted or needed. I hate being alone, even though you're right beside me. I hate feeling so far away from you, in my heart...
Though, today was the first time- I got to go down to the beach.. I watched the waves swell up, and crash upon the shore... I watched Dads hold their daughters while the cold water flooded passed them. I got to dig my feet into the sand, and feel at peace. I listened to the water, and it reminded of life, hope, and happiness...
Original Publish Date: 3/10/09
There are times that I don't even like chocolate ice cream anymore, and most of the time, its when I am sad.. And chocolate ice cream makes me feel better.. So why has it failed on me now?
I can sit an watch sappy, tear jerker movies, to make me feel better. I enjoy seeing fake love, and superficial story lines some how.. And for some odd ass reason, that is still unbeknownst to me. I guess, for some reason it gives me hope, and hope for what I have no clue. I have a good marriage, and a good life... So what else is there to hope for?
I stress out over the strangest things. And sometimes, I feel like a fool when I look back on it, because I freaked out over it. It reminds me that I am still human, and that I will stress over the stupid things.
I cry about alot of things. I cry when I get so angry, I can't function. I cry when I get frustrated. I cry when I miss things, remember the good times, think about my little brother, fight with my husband, feel worthless, when I am depressed, or just sad... I cry and sometimes I never even know the reason why... As the tears fall down my face, I feel like I can't do anything at that point. When I cry, its me.. I have nothing left of me.. Thats what I have come down to. I hate it when I cry though, I feel vunerable, and flesh hearted, which is so easily hurt.
I have happiness, and find in it the strangest of ways... I can catch a glimpse of the sunset, and somehow find the faith in it. I see colorful flowers in a world full of black and white, and know that I will make it through. I see little kids running and playing around, and laugh knowing that there is still some good left in the world. I close my eyes, and feel my baby move around, and realize I am going to be a Mother... Which is an all new feeling for me. I bow my head and pray to ask for happiness.. The kind that God has had planned for us, for many years now.. I open my eyes, and often see it around me, even though, looking at my left hand, says it all with one little "thing".
I get sad when I feel alone on a decision or situation that means alot to me. I can be easily pushed around when I feel like I am no longer wanted or needed. I hate being alone, even though you're right beside me. I hate feeling so far away from you, in my heart...
Though, today was the first time- I got to go down to the beach.. I watched the waves swell up, and crash upon the shore... I watched Dads hold their daughters while the cold water flooded passed them. I got to dig my feet into the sand, and feel at peace. I listened to the water, and it reminded of life, hope, and happiness...
Original Publish Date: 3/10/09
Learning What it is to Hang On
There are so many moments through out the day, that make me want to give up, in a huge way. There have been times, where I have given up, but in a small way.. I will find myself crying all day, for hours at a time, letting myself fail. This to me is giving up. To me its giving up on my hope, and my faith, that God will take care of me, and the things that I go through. Yes, I have actually thought a few times, that I wasn't going to make through a few situations... I have given up on myself more times that anyone has probably given up in their entire life. I am harder on me, than anyone in this world.
When I fall, and can't get up mentally, I cry.. I will shut myself off from the world, and just live in my mind, which is the most destructive place. What hurts me the most is that, I can't find my out sometimes. I am put there, and I cry, and cry, and I don't know where to turn. I pray to God, begging Him to just take me home with Him, or help me through this. I hurt. My heart is breaking over and over, and I don't want it anymore. I don't want this feeling. Is it really a part of life? How so? Why does suffering and heartbreak have to be a part of life?
My heart breaks, and I am nothing else. I have my heart, my mind and my soul, but when you put all of those things together, and into something else. When one leg of the triangle breaks, so does the rest of it. It all falls down. I don't know what its like to be on the otherside of it.. I know how not to feel, I have done that for years, but I can't do that anymore. I have something in my life that I want to feel, and I want to hold close to me, just not at the extent of feeling dead inside. I feel so alive more than I do hurt, its just the hurt out weighs the good at times. I will never let go, its not in me to let go. Reguardless of how hard it gets, though saying that, its not a permission to let all hell to break loose at the expense of my heart.
I have been looked at as weak minded, because I deal with it.. Though to me, its not dealing with it, its more like fighting for something. There are going to be multiple bumps in the road, no one ever said that it was going to be easy, or even somewhat simple.. I work for something, towards a single goal... After so long, it does get tiring to hear it, and have people tell me what I am doing is submitting to something short of abuse. Which I think is ridiculous. Yes, its hard, and I fall apart, multiple times.. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Sometimes I don't know how I am going to make it through.. Kinda like right now.. I am hurt, and so down.. All I know is to pray, and cry. Thats all I feel. I want to curl up and disappear for the moment, or until I feel better. I am far away from the place that I call home, and the one I love... Love.. Its a bittersweet thing.. It makes you hurt, and cry more than anything in this world I think. But I know that I do it, because the one that I love, I can't live without, so I live with what comes along with it.. I find peace, hope, inspiration, and love, along with many more precious gifts, though there is still another side to the coin...
I close my eyes, and cry, thinking of the only place that I want to be, and I can't even get there for another 11 days... I have been called stupid recently for wanting to go back to the cause of things, and for wanting to try to fix it. I have been told that I can't fix it by myself, and I will keep trying until that it obvious, because I think that I CAN atleast try.
I keep looking for the Faith that I need to keep going. I pray for the Faith that I am lacking, in which I need to pull myself through. I am praying. I keep praying, and I keep crying... All I want is to feel better.. I want to be home.. I want all this to stop.
"God, please soothe my aching heart. Stitch up the wounds with Your word, and heal the blemishes that have just been left to be forgotten. Please heal me, and the wrath that my own mind takes upon me. Father God, I ask of you to take my soul, and bring it up, lift me up again. Dry my tears, and replace them with laughter. Bring peace back into my heart. I ask of You, to take a look at what I lack in my marriage, and fix me. Fix me, please. Whatever is wrong with Me, then please just fix me. Make me right by You, and by my husband. Give me the strength to be me, and let my heart shine again. Lord, forgive me for each of my sins everyday. Please, take my hand and walk with me down Your path. I ask all of this, in Jesus name, Amen."
Original Publish Date: 03/30/09
When I fall, and can't get up mentally, I cry.. I will shut myself off from the world, and just live in my mind, which is the most destructive place. What hurts me the most is that, I can't find my out sometimes. I am put there, and I cry, and cry, and I don't know where to turn. I pray to God, begging Him to just take me home with Him, or help me through this. I hurt. My heart is breaking over and over, and I don't want it anymore. I don't want this feeling. Is it really a part of life? How so? Why does suffering and heartbreak have to be a part of life?
My heart breaks, and I am nothing else. I have my heart, my mind and my soul, but when you put all of those things together, and into something else. When one leg of the triangle breaks, so does the rest of it. It all falls down. I don't know what its like to be on the otherside of it.. I know how not to feel, I have done that for years, but I can't do that anymore. I have something in my life that I want to feel, and I want to hold close to me, just not at the extent of feeling dead inside. I feel so alive more than I do hurt, its just the hurt out weighs the good at times. I will never let go, its not in me to let go. Reguardless of how hard it gets, though saying that, its not a permission to let all hell to break loose at the expense of my heart.
I have been looked at as weak minded, because I deal with it.. Though to me, its not dealing with it, its more like fighting for something. There are going to be multiple bumps in the road, no one ever said that it was going to be easy, or even somewhat simple.. I work for something, towards a single goal... After so long, it does get tiring to hear it, and have people tell me what I am doing is submitting to something short of abuse. Which I think is ridiculous. Yes, its hard, and I fall apart, multiple times.. But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Sometimes I don't know how I am going to make it through.. Kinda like right now.. I am hurt, and so down.. All I know is to pray, and cry. Thats all I feel. I want to curl up and disappear for the moment, or until I feel better. I am far away from the place that I call home, and the one I love... Love.. Its a bittersweet thing.. It makes you hurt, and cry more than anything in this world I think. But I know that I do it, because the one that I love, I can't live without, so I live with what comes along with it.. I find peace, hope, inspiration, and love, along with many more precious gifts, though there is still another side to the coin...
I close my eyes, and cry, thinking of the only place that I want to be, and I can't even get there for another 11 days... I have been called stupid recently for wanting to go back to the cause of things, and for wanting to try to fix it. I have been told that I can't fix it by myself, and I will keep trying until that it obvious, because I think that I CAN atleast try.
I keep looking for the Faith that I need to keep going. I pray for the Faith that I am lacking, in which I need to pull myself through. I am praying. I keep praying, and I keep crying... All I want is to feel better.. I want to be home.. I want all this to stop.
"God, please soothe my aching heart. Stitch up the wounds with Your word, and heal the blemishes that have just been left to be forgotten. Please heal me, and the wrath that my own mind takes upon me. Father God, I ask of you to take my soul, and bring it up, lift me up again. Dry my tears, and replace them with laughter. Bring peace back into my heart. I ask of You, to take a look at what I lack in my marriage, and fix me. Fix me, please. Whatever is wrong with Me, then please just fix me. Make me right by You, and by my husband. Give me the strength to be me, and let my heart shine again. Lord, forgive me for each of my sins everyday. Please, take my hand and walk with me down Your path. I ask all of this, in Jesus name, Amen."
Original Publish Date: 03/30/09
The Light House
When I am lost, and cant seem to find myself among many other things, I close my eyes, and try to envision my meaning of Hope. Or my picture of Hope. The one and only thing that comes to my mind, oddly enough, is a lighthouse, in the middle of nowhere. Though I have never actually seen a real lighthouse, in my life, I have always wanted to, but never given the opportunity. Either way, this is what Hope has imprinted in my mind.
Often, at times, I feel like this small, dainty, sail boat out on the water... On some days the water is quiet, calm, still, and simply beautiful. I couldn't ask for a better day. Then, just like the flipside of a coin, there are those days where the waters are so bad, it engulfs my boat and sails, terrorizing them. My boat, somehow manages its way through with holes and breakage all along the body. In some instances, it sinks due to the overwhelming and over powering rage of the waters. And yet, somehow, it still manages to find its way back on top of the water in days to come, still in one piece, with some chips and dings missing. The raging storms have twisted and tormented my boat, and terrorized my sails, with rips and tears, and yet, they still catch the wind, and ride the waters.
In the darkest storms, I can no longer see. I am blinded by the night, with the rain, and wind as well. I search for the light tirelessly, on to turn up empty handed. The more I search, the farther it actually turns out to be. I feel that I may not make it through the night, though I have a flicker of a fire that is telling me I can. With the discouraging storms barrelling towards me, what choice do I have other than to lay down, protect myself and just take the brutal beating of the storm. I hear the thunder rolling on, and the lightning clapping.. The winds are cracking the wood of my protection, and causing the water to seap in. I feel the water about my cheeks and eyes... So I clench my eyes shut, and wait...
Like any ambitious captain, some choices that I make on the water, aren't the best. I am told by my inner conscious, do not set sail on this water in this direction, for there is a storm on the rise. Yet, I push that voice back down inside me, muffling its sound. I set sail. For what reason do I have to set myself up for disaster, and yet I push it and make it that way? I dont have one. There isn't one. I dont see what I am doing until I feel the needles of the freezing water, piercing my skin, as I am looking around at the pieces of my boat floating around, and I finally ask myself,... "Why?"
Taking the blame, for it is mine. I try to rebuild what I have wrecked, though it continuously falls apart. With each nail that I drive into the wood, the cracks and splits grow bigger and bigger separating one part of wood from the other. I take the blame, because I brought it upon myself, and I try to get back to rebuilding and each element around me is saying otherwise, and that I can't.
Hoping for the best, I keep on. My boat, I have rebuilt with my own two hands over and over again, with each storm I learn something more, and sometimes, something is even taken from me. Through it all, I set out for the water once again. Each characteristic of the waters, takes its own toll on me and my small sailboat. With the worst storm I would ever bear on the horizon, I prepare, or try to, for the unexpected. With the worst in mind, the worst happens, and much more. I no longer have the strength, or the knowledge on what to do. Hopelessly, I fall to my knees, almost giving up. I cry, I scream, I plead, I look for something... To find nothing.
Just when I would have let the storm take me under for good, I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye, a far off light. Where is it coming from? Is it even real? Questions I asked myself over and over before I just simply sailed on faith, and hope, that it was real, and it was the light that I needed to lead me. The light of the lighthouse.
The stronger I sailed on my hope and my faith, the brighter the light got, and the less of a storm it became. Believing in only a glimpse of what could be imaginary, is making this better, making my boat stronger against the storm. I finally take one last long look, and there is stood, proud and bright.
A small dainty lighthouse.
Original Publish Date: 4/08/09
Often, at times, I feel like this small, dainty, sail boat out on the water... On some days the water is quiet, calm, still, and simply beautiful. I couldn't ask for a better day. Then, just like the flipside of a coin, there are those days where the waters are so bad, it engulfs my boat and sails, terrorizing them. My boat, somehow manages its way through with holes and breakage all along the body. In some instances, it sinks due to the overwhelming and over powering rage of the waters. And yet, somehow, it still manages to find its way back on top of the water in days to come, still in one piece, with some chips and dings missing. The raging storms have twisted and tormented my boat, and terrorized my sails, with rips and tears, and yet, they still catch the wind, and ride the waters.
In the darkest storms, I can no longer see. I am blinded by the night, with the rain, and wind as well. I search for the light tirelessly, on to turn up empty handed. The more I search, the farther it actually turns out to be. I feel that I may not make it through the night, though I have a flicker of a fire that is telling me I can. With the discouraging storms barrelling towards me, what choice do I have other than to lay down, protect myself and just take the brutal beating of the storm. I hear the thunder rolling on, and the lightning clapping.. The winds are cracking the wood of my protection, and causing the water to seap in. I feel the water about my cheeks and eyes... So I clench my eyes shut, and wait...
Like any ambitious captain, some choices that I make on the water, aren't the best. I am told by my inner conscious, do not set sail on this water in this direction, for there is a storm on the rise. Yet, I push that voice back down inside me, muffling its sound. I set sail. For what reason do I have to set myself up for disaster, and yet I push it and make it that way? I dont have one. There isn't one. I dont see what I am doing until I feel the needles of the freezing water, piercing my skin, as I am looking around at the pieces of my boat floating around, and I finally ask myself,... "Why?"
Taking the blame, for it is mine. I try to rebuild what I have wrecked, though it continuously falls apart. With each nail that I drive into the wood, the cracks and splits grow bigger and bigger separating one part of wood from the other. I take the blame, because I brought it upon myself, and I try to get back to rebuilding and each element around me is saying otherwise, and that I can't.
Hoping for the best, I keep on. My boat, I have rebuilt with my own two hands over and over again, with each storm I learn something more, and sometimes, something is even taken from me. Through it all, I set out for the water once again. Each characteristic of the waters, takes its own toll on me and my small sailboat. With the worst storm I would ever bear on the horizon, I prepare, or try to, for the unexpected. With the worst in mind, the worst happens, and much more. I no longer have the strength, or the knowledge on what to do. Hopelessly, I fall to my knees, almost giving up. I cry, I scream, I plead, I look for something... To find nothing.
Just when I would have let the storm take me under for good, I catch a glimpse out of the corner of my eye, a far off light. Where is it coming from? Is it even real? Questions I asked myself over and over before I just simply sailed on faith, and hope, that it was real, and it was the light that I needed to lead me. The light of the lighthouse.
The stronger I sailed on my hope and my faith, the brighter the light got, and the less of a storm it became. Believing in only a glimpse of what could be imaginary, is making this better, making my boat stronger against the storm. I finally take one last long look, and there is stood, proud and bright.
A small dainty lighthouse.
Original Publish Date: 4/08/09
Corinthians 13
We all know the famous Corinthians 13 verse;
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. "
We all know the saying;
"Lead by example."
But do we know what it means to & how to live by example?
Using the Corinthians verse, replace "love" & "it" with your name. Read it to yourself, think about what you're saying and reading. You should then feel the conviction of God, and His example for you.
"Alyssa is patient, Alyssa is kind and is not jealous; Alyssa does not brag and is not arrogant, Alyssa does not act unbecomingly;Alyssa does not seek her own, Alyssa is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, Alyssa does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
If when you do this, and you don't feel any sort of conviction for your life, by God's plan, then maybe its time to re-evluate your walk with the Lord, Himself.
"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. "
We all know the saying;
"Lead by example."
But do we know what it means to & how to live by example?
Using the Corinthians verse, replace "love" & "it" with your name. Read it to yourself, think about what you're saying and reading. You should then feel the conviction of God, and His example for you.
"Alyssa is patient, Alyssa is kind and is not jealous; Alyssa does not brag and is not arrogant, Alyssa does not act unbecomingly;Alyssa does not seek her own, Alyssa is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, Alyssa does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."
If when you do this, and you don't feel any sort of conviction for your life, by God's plan, then maybe its time to re-evluate your walk with the Lord, Himself.
Proverbs 4:23
“Above all else, guard your heart”, Proverbs 4:23. Now, what do you suppose that means? How do would someone interpret it? Literally? Or figuratively? “Guard your heart”, putting up walls, protecting yourself, or placing protection over your heart, could be some possible explanations of it. Although, preparing yourself, mentally and emotionally for the things and events of life, that are to come, could make even another possibility. As human beings, we honestly can not foretell the future, or what is to come of it, therefore we don’t, well, more or less can’t, prepare ourselves for that exact event.
On the other hand, what we can do, is learn from what we have been through already in life. Preparing yourself based on past events makes you more aware, and I wouldn’t necessarily say paranoid, but close to it. Back to the verse, it says “Above ALL else”, so no matter what you do, make sure you’re prepared each day. Wake up, with a light heart, bright eyes, and a swift foot. Don’t let things bring you down. Yes, I know that its much easier said than done, I have been there too. Protect you heart from the things, places, people, events that you know will shatter it. Or if you’re the stronger breed, even so don’t flirt with disaster. You may have learned, healed, and grown from it, but you never know that possibly, deep down, inside there is still a small wound barely healing, but open enough to hurt just as much.
In the big picture, hurting and grieving are a part of the process of learning, and growing. Guarding and protecting are coincidentally, the second step. Now, that’s really where I stop with the ‘Step One, Step Two..’ type things, because not every one is the same, and if we all were emotionally, I think and feel that we’d be in for a horrible train wreck. Many people, have to go back, over and over again, feeling that pain more than once, maybe a few times, before they accept that its real, or even the notion that there is pain to be inflicted. We are known to be hard headed, and stubborn, and sometimes as hard as concrete when it comes to our hearts, and trying to protect it, all at the same time while avoiding getting hurt all over again. Its one big circle, chain of events, that is almost never ending. Yes, things can be good for the rest of your life, and when I say ‘pain’ I don’t mean, gut wrenching, tear jerking type pain. It can be anything. Something that makes you feel sad, hurts your feelings, disappoints you, or anything of that nature. So, pain isn’t necessarily huge and burdened, it could be something small, and insignificant to others, but to someone it could be everything.
No one hurts the same way. No one grieves the same way. No one protects the same way. No one heals the same way. Each and everyone of us, has to find our own way. Above all else, we will find our own way. While learning, hurting, and protecting, some of our paths may cross, and eventually join together to become one, and in that we rejoice.
“Above all else, guard your heart” is tattooed on the inside of my arm, and many will ask, as so many have done now, why that? Why that verse, and why is it significant for you? There is a never ending answer to “Why” but as for the other parts, just one. For me, guarding my heart is what I have done best, for my whole life, but in a way, that it could never feel again. Or so I thought. The walls around my heart, were more like suffocating it. Almost like, restricting and orchid plant from sunlight, it wilts, and eventually dies. There was a time in my life that my heart, well.. Was dead. I was dead- emotionally and passionately. This verse hits close to home for me, because I had to finally grieve over all the things that built up those walls around my heart, which after 20 years, is more like a dungeon without a key. For each brick, there was a painful memory. For each memory, I needed to grieve. For each grieving, I needed to heal. I, to this day, haven’t healed all my wounds, as some are much deeper than others, and will take time. This I have come to terms with. No matter what I have done it my life, this is the one thing I have perfected to suit my life. I still ’guard’ my heart, but not so, that its wilting away, but more so that it thrives on life, love, and happiness.
So, when interpreting this verse, think for yourself. Don’t take each word, for just that. Savor the thought, and trust your heart as it tells you, the story on its walls.
January 20, 2010
You Learn, While You're in Love
The greatest thing you will ever learn is to love, and be loved in return. Nothing in life is easy, especially to love, and accept love in return. Growing up, you experience love, in many different kind of ways, or maybe you don’t, depending on your surroundings. Love is mistaken, and misunderstood at times. Then at others, taken for granted, and abused. What does it mean to love? What does it mean to accept love? Thousands of questions, and they all boil down to, what is love?
Love has many different meanings to all different types of people. Personally, for me love is the feeling of caring for someone so deeply that your life would be very different without them, not only different, but incomplete. A apart of you would be missing forever, like that one puzzle piece that compeltes the picture, but is nowhere to be found. Life doesn’t matter without that one person in it. You live to protect them, to make them happy, and to form long lasting memories you both carry for the rest of your life. When I think of love, I think of a couple celebrating the news of an expecting baby, walking hand in hand along the shore of a beach, laughing and simple enjoying one another. My favorite quote about love, in which sums it up perfectly for me, “ that can’t eat, can’t sleep, reach for the stars, world series kind of stuff”. Your depiction of love will be quite different than mine, or possibly you may not even know it.
Love is an incredibly powerful world, in which many things can happen; Good and bad. Being in love, you always want to be with that person, and when you’re not, you’re thinking about them. “What is he thinking about? Is he wondering about me, as I am him?” You know that you need that person, because without them, your life doesn’t make sense.
My depiction of love, is just what I personally think. Although, how can anyone know the real definition of love? I truly believe that love is one of the hardest words to define, even with a dictionary fight infront of you, can you understand it? Meaning or feeling?
Being in love with someone, truly being inlove, you spend the rest of your life loving that person. Although in society, why is there divorce? Why is there unfaithfulness? We all are victims of, or the criminal of the act; but we still love. Regardless of which side of the bridge you stand on, you will find your stengths in your heart. Many will say that your heart will decieve you, because it acts on raw emotion, and unrational thinking. Personally, I think that, that’s not true. If you follow your heart, to its truest extent, it will never lead you astray.
“The best love is the kind that awakens the soul, and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds”, there are so many things that portray love, and what its like. Love isn’t easy, by any means, and not in the real world. Even people in the truest of loves, fight and argue. In the beginning, they may have a hard time trusting that they love, and through out their loving relationship there will be disagreements, but its all worth it. Love is so worth the trouble, and the baggage, because it is love that gives a meaning to life, and without it, there would be no living.
I know love, from many different perspectives, but the one that I will stand by for the rest of my life, lies within the heart of my daughter Kadence Alayne. I know that in my heart, no matter what we have been through already, and whatever lies ahead for us, we will get through it. Mother's love has withstood many testing times, and tasks, events that some weak hearted would give up on. Learning and growing with her, loving and learning, hurting and learning, living and learning and loving, is making out for the best journey of my life.
Just the Intro...
I write for all kinds of reasons. I write what I feel, and what I see. The things that come out of my mind sometimes don't make sense, even to me. I have been writing for years, but never actually put them somewhere. I have learned that sharing my thoughts, and whatever it is that I am going through, gives insight to someone else later down the road. I may not know it then, but eventually... I acutally learn from what I wrote. Words are a very heavy thing in life. Its said that "The written word is one of the most powerful" hence the Bible. I strongly believe in this, and I know that whatever I give life to in my writings and by my words should be something I can stand behind and be proud of. I take my words, further than just words. There is actual meaning, and emotion behind. They are the story of my life. Literally. Life is many things to me, and as much good as I have in it, there is bad too. I take the good for what it is, and the bad.. Well I try to make them good as well. This is my life. These are my stories.
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