Words. Short and Sweet.

Words.. They are powerful in many ways.. Written and spoken.. Sometimes they are hurtful and sometimes they can put you on top of the world, depending on a certain mood. I am even guilty of it too. I say thigns I don't mean, and later regret them. I never used to be this way, and I hate that I've come to do this.

How does your heart recover from such things? Is it just a defense mechanism? I know that I spend alot of time thinking and exploring both of those questions for myself, and I come up with so many answers, and no way to figure it out. I wrack my brain, and clean out every corner of it, trying to find some way to just get rid of this, and stop defending myself for it and from it.

I know that I CAN bite my tongue, I do it all so often; So what's difference? Why can't I do it when I need to!? I'm hurt, and I lash out. I don't want that anymore.. I don't want to hurt, and have to do that..

I pray for healing and peace in my heart, and in my home. I pray for the healing power to devour my marriage, life, home and family, and simply open all our eyes to the gifts that God is bringing us daily.

I pray that we don't let ourselves become our worst enemy, but the person who brings us up, and closer to God, Himself. I pray that all the people who hurt, and feel anything like this, know that God loves, listens, and heals, and He is and always will be there for you.

Reasons.

I know that everything happens for a reason. Well more or less, I believe that with everything that I have. I remember telling myself this, and still do when things go bad, or not as planned, and even when they are as good as they can ever be.

Doors are opened, some are closed, some are slammed in your face too, but it all happens for a specific reason. I know that myself, I often ask "Why" these things happen, but in all reality, I do not need to know why they happen, I just need to have faith that it will all work out for the best.

A very odd thing happened to me this morning. Although odd, it was still very amazing, and just what I needed. A good friend, I've known through high school, said that in the time of prayer and praise they spend with God, my name came to the lips of the conversation for some reason unbeknownst to them. Upon telling me this, I was touched for many more reasons than one. I know that I am blessed, and that God is really reaching out for me in a time like this, through these hard and easy times, and even through the good and bad times.

I am thankful for the reminders that the Lord shows me. Weither it be thru the beautiful things I have around me, or thru the words of a friend.. I am thankful.

Finding the Right Words in a Time of Need.

Psalm 34:18 "The Lord is Near the Brokenhearted and Saves the Crushed in Spirit." I get frustrated and hopeless at times, and I almost feel stuck as if I have no place to go. I do find myself feeling like I have no where to go, and finally things get bad enough I break, and that's the moment that I remember I do have someone, I DO have someone who listens and cares. He cares about me. He cares about my heart and soul. He listens, and He heals. I hate that it usually takes me to get to a breaking point to reach for him. Although today, well it was different. Finding myself drownding in a pool of just everything; stress, hurt, restlessness, fear, hope, faith, happiness and anger; I just closed my eyes, and dropped my head. I found something to read to pull me back together again. To dry myself from the whirlpool that has latched onto my feet, trying to pull me under. I turn to the book of Psalm often, in search of the word that erases whatever I may feel. I venture thru the whole Book, and ask for healing, reassurement, hope, faith, happiness, and many other things.

Somedays, I don't even open my Bible, I just walk outside, or look out my windows and see, physically see the things He's blessed me with, and take them in. Be thankful for the things He's given me. Admitingly, there are times that this doesn't help. I feel hopeless. I hate that feeling. Its about that time that I stumbled across this, "Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. " Romans 12:12. I know that when I pray, He hears me. I know that He will answer too.. On His schedule and His way. I can honestly admit, that sometimes I don't like it, but I get over it! This is the Lord we are talking. He says what's right and wrong, and I know that I must follow Him in faith when He takes my eyes from me. I must follow Him and believe with every ounce in my being, when I do not know.

Sometimes I don't know why I get sad, because I have the most amazing gifts in my life. I have an amazing life, and looking forward to the journey that has yet to unfold. Nevertheless, I have times of sadness... I look to these words in John 14:14 “Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in me". I do not need to be sad, I need to remember the gifts He's blessed me with, and it helps. I have a living breathing, laughing, loving gift I spend all my time with everyday that is a constant reminder of why.

Amongst all these feelings as well, there are good ones. I am happy. When I am happy I sing it. I sing it at the top of my lungs.. Dogs may howl.. But hey they're just singing along too!! I love to praise, thru song, thru daily study, thru simple readings.

The word is something I turn to when I have nothing else. When I know of nothing else. When I am all out, or when I am completely full and have no clue what to do. This is where I turn. I try to lead others on this same path, and some I believe follow, but not sure why. Others, I believe do it because they too believe.

I believe.

The Want To.

Change.. Some of us like it, and some of us dread it. Myself? I fall directly in the middle of it. Hell, I should be so freaking used to things changing all the time, as if it where something like the weather changing; But still somethings get to me.

I also know that when it comes down to change, as it being a personal decision versus, trying to change something simple as the color of your nails, takes alot more than just a thought; but The Want To. I know that there has to be a personal drive to actually want to change. I have also found out that, in alot of people, they could care less, or just not want to put forth the effort to do so, because it means that they may have to sacrifice something that is destructive to their life anyway. Yet, it's still not enough. Or in some cases, too much.

What I don't understand is when you find out something is tearing your world apart, you choose all the options they are simply aiding in a faster ruin.

It's the Hurt Before the Healing.

I have never been able to understand how life works, as many times as I have tried, I fail...miserably. I try to wrap my head around it, and as soon as I think that I know, sure enough, something gives me a huge rude awakening. I have just accepted the fact that maybe this is just something that we need to just go on without knowing how it works. I like knowing how things will pan out, and having a plan for everything. Its hard for me to function when I don't know about something, or how its going to work.

I have this huge mess that has encompassed everything that is close to my heart and that means anything to me. Me, trying to weed out the problems, is only making it worse. I thought that if I tried to plan out how I could fix it myself, that I could accomplish it, but instead it had an adverse effect on it. I don't know how to go about making it right again. I wonder if it was everything that I have been trying to do that's made this all into total chaos. Its like running thru thorn bushes in a bikini! It hurts, every which way you turn, you're getting cut and stabbed. You bleed, it dries and scabs over, just to end up opened again.

The only way I think about it and accept it; is thinking of it like a rose. If you over water it, it dies. Don't fertilize it enough, doesn't bloom like it should, wilts and dies. Plant it too shallow, it dies. Over fertilize, it suffocates the roots, and dies. You have to have the precise instruction to accurately grow such a plant. Not sure how I can achieve to getting it right, down to the tee, but I am going to keep trying.

Dealing.

This past month, seems like, has been especially hard for myself, and my family. My Great Grandmother passed away, as a result of a Cancer that was recently found. She was a character, I tell you! I personally wasn't as close to her as I wish I was, now seeing the wonderful impact she's made on other family members' lives.

On top of that, two days ago, I recieved the news that my Grandmother recieved the results back from her Lung Biopsy, and it wasn't good new. Anything but, really. When I got the phone call from my Mom, it was like my whole world came crashing down, and I had nothing to support it. I was, and still just numb from the news. I hate that I am 1400 miles away from her, and I can't help her.

I don't know really how to handle this situation.. I can't imagine losing someone like my Grandma, or my Grandpa, or anyone for that matter. I feel like I haven't had enough time with her, to make sure that she knows that I love her. I am 20 years old, and its still not enough time. I want her to grow old, because she still isnt!! She's still that lady that crawled up on my Palomino horse, Playboy, with margarita in hand, ready to ride off!! I can't imagine my life without her. She's my Mimi. My daughter was just getting to know her every morning, while I was still in Texas. I want her to grow up knowing that her Mimi is the coolest and bestest [yes, I said bestest] Great Grandma in the world! I'm not ready to give her up yet. Yes, I know that is being selfish, but aren't I allowed to?? She's my Mimi. Mine. I love her too much to let her go yet, or anytime soon for that matter. My favorite, and happiest memories of my life, have included her and my Poppi, were with the two of them, or about the two of them. I can't let those go. I am not going to.

I hate this part of the cycle of life. I don't like it, and frankly I don't understand it. I hate it. Yes, I HATE IT. I wish I could change it, but I know that God planned this part of it, just as much as He planned birth as well. I hate thinking of her in pain, or hurting or knowning that something is wrong. I could never picture her being anything but this strong, crazy spirited woman, I call my Mimi. I hate this feeling I have over taking my whole body. I just want to run back to her, and make sure she knows how much I love her.

Talking to Myself.

I reflect on just about every second of my life, and some would call it being over-skeptical; which could possibly be the very thing that I am doing, then others call it simply taking it all in. Either way, to me; it doesn't matter, I can't help but do it. It's the way that I get through each day, and every action that I made in that day.

I sit back, and I think to myself, "Do I just expect too much? Am I the one not doing enough? I wonder if I am the problem here? I go through this long list of questions I am asking myself, and I answer each one of them too. Sometimes, I really don't know if I actually have the right one or not. But its an answer; Something to go off of for the moment.

Sometimes these answers to those questions, are just me being hard on myself, and being mean to myself.. Its really how it is. I probably do expect too much, and not give enough or try hard enough. The years worth of hard work still hasn't paid off, and I can see that clearly, and I begin to wonder if it ever will? I honestly never realized that expecting something would be the wrong way of going about something, but aparently it is. "Have I always had these crazy high expectations?" Maybe. I'm sure that's part the result of so many let downs..

I could go on for days with this little conversation with myself.. Most of the time, they're never good, or light hearted. I feel much more comfortable talking to myself, because I know that I am the one person who won't say hurtful things just to hurt. If that even makes sense. Half the time, the things that I say or think to myself, don't even make sense. "Does this make me crazy?"