Anxiety in Volumes

As the thoughts cross my mind, my stomach turns, causing this gut wrenching feeling every time. The fear and anxiety was way too much to simply shrug off and disregard. I couldn’t just simply forget, and walk past it on a clean slate.

I can fight this until the moon no longer rises, but it won’t change the feelings harbored inside of me. It won’t change the impressions, dents, and holes its created in my being. I don’t dare offer something that does not have a solid foundation, as it would be unfair. In this case, the foundation is warped, broken, and weak, as its fallen to the wrath of many different elements which eventually took their toll.

I gave something treasured away, for safe keeping, protection and love. Though one too many times was it returned shattered into a million pieces. Reconstructing the same ting over and over again, watching the same old pieces crumble, and break a little bit further each time. Before I realized it, the pieces became just that… pieces. There was nothing left to be put back together. Its been broken too many times, the pieces no longer have a place, other than being scattered on the floor.

I’m not entirely sure what the expectations were, but being chained by this is not what I want. Fighting something everyday that drains the life out of my, and devours my last ounce of energy; that’s not a life I want. I’ve done that before, and ended up a broken hollow person.

Giving voice to this, sheds much needed light on the situation, causing some wheels to turn, and a heart to break. Though, that alone can be hurtful; try walking a mile in my heels. Being at a state of contance; mending your heart and world over and over, after the wrath of the hands that are supposed to hold you, protect you and love you, tear it apart.
Neither comprehension nor learning can take the place in an atmosphere of anxiety.

Patiently Questioning which is Unsolved

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves. Do not seek the answers, which cannot be given to you thru impatience and force. If these answers were something that was going to be readily available all the time, how would one truly know the strength of their own heart?


To all that is unsolved in one’s heart, there is a polar opposite; being resolved. These issues all have reason, all have purpose, and all have answers. Don’t try to “figure” them out, if you wait, patiently and faithfully they will come. Do not start to lean on your own understanding of things, or the thoughts that may arise in this process, because you do not know what waits for you. Just be patient.

Questions are there. Doubt is there. Confusion and frustration may live along side it all too, but you cannot let these things overcome and take over who you are. Don’t become ill hearted because there are things that you do not understand in which are going on in your heart, and mind. These times are when you do some soul searching and rediscover who you are, and what you’re capable of becoming.

Try to, if possible, to look at this all and embrace it, because it’s a huge hint that you are growing as a being. Your soul, your mind, your spirit, and most importantly your heart; its all becoming something greater, or let’s hope for the greater. In saying that, if you overwhelm yourself in bad dealings, you will wilt with the weight of darkness, though embrace the change and blossom with an uplifting life.

That choice is yours. Which will you take?

[Insert Name here] Against the World

Even the most enduring of people need support, whether it’s asked for or not; the support is still there. Regardless of where it comes from; family, friends, strangers; it’s all very much appreciated when you are the person who is needing that support.


It’s always nice to know that you have that net to catch you when you fall, or just a helping hand when you stumble. There are the fortunate people in this world, who have a huge support system, compiled of their family and friends, and who ever else they’ve trusted to be let in. There is also the unfortunate of the bunch, who in reality know nothing of the sort. Then, there is a misunderstood and blurred line between the two extremes. It’s those who have partial or selective support.

To me, that has to be the hardest of the three. Honestly, when you have all the support in the world, you can do anything, and if you’ve never had an inkling of what support felt like you cannot miss it. You overcome and adapt and move on. Although, those who fall in this tornado of a circumstance, get the short end of the stick from both sides. For those in this category, their support comes when they are doing something everyone agrees on or something that they wanted them to do, not for any other reason. They don’t receive that “I got your back thru thick and thin” kind of feeling, because its not there. It’s non existent. This to me is faulty, weak, and ultimately fake.

It’s sad when you seek advice from those who are supposed to love you and want only the best for you, and that is honestly the last thing they consider; what is good for you? They will tell you what you should not considering feelings, or circumstances, or even your surroundings. They turn their backs in disagreement and rejection when you fight for something that you love? They walk away when you finally ask for help? What does that do to a person? How does that make them feel?

It happens everyday in the lives of people we all know close to our hearts. It could even be there face staring back at you in your reflection, too. Choose these people wisely, don’t bypass red flags of those who you call family, just because they are family. Don’t succumb to a friend because they have it all. Be you, do you, choose you.

Forgive and Not Forget

Forgiving does not erase the the bitter past. It does not replace, nor forget it either. If you will, it provides a foundation of hope, to grow from; To move upward from, and hopefully provide a new ideal of what should be. The past should stay right there, in the past, for you can not change those events; no matter how hard you try. All that matters, is how you take those experiences and choose to learn from them, letting those lessons guide you into changing what can come in the future, and affecting the way that you will provide and handle it.

A healed memory is not a deleted memory. Even in memory, those feelings are still real, and are still as fresh as they were the day it happened. Do not dismiss them, as bigger issues may arise from the inconsiderations. Though, at the same time, do not tiptoe around them either. This is a part of life, recognizing the problem, and working forth to resolve it. This process should be taken slow, and one day at a time. All people heal differently, and their time frame may be completely off from mine, but to me, nothing is better than ensuring that you are healing wholly and not just dismissing the hurt and stuffing it inside.

Instead of forgiving what we cannot forget, we create a new way of remembering. We take that memory from our past, and use it as motivation for our future. We reassure ourselves that there's more to this beautiful diaster of life. "Good things come to those who wait", ring a bell? Patience and dealing with these things will result in good, it will come in its own time.

No matter how far off the pedastol one falls, they'll deserve a second chance. Forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts God has fiven to us, and with it comes understanding.

Conditions of the Heart

We all have hearts, and I am not just talking about the organ beating in our chest, I am talking about the emotional ties, the physical ties, the figurative ties to "the heart".

Paper Heart

When you keep a paper heart, you will find yourself writing all over it. Scribbles here, and doodles there. Some will have erased marks on it, and others scratched out names in ink. Though over time, all the writing, doodling, erasing and marking out will wear the paper thing, and soon tear it up. One day, it will end up, crumbled up, at the bottom of a trash bin; all the notes, names, dates, feelings and memories all forgotten and thrown away, just like a simple piece of paper.

Heart of Stone

Heavy and tiring may be a few things you feel weighing you down, walking around with a heart of stone. You're able to deflect feelings of all kind; good, bad, and everything in between. Though in a round-about-way, you are doing more bad than good to yourself. That stone will cause wounds in your being, wounds that no one can see, and no one can feel but you. If you watch a rock out in nature, over a few months it starts to erode away. The elements of the world break it down, or the hand of a child breaks it completely. One good storm, or one good arm could be the end of that stone, and the end of your heart.

The Cold Heart

Harboring a cold heart does nothing but harm for the body, mind and the soul. Sickly with infectious feelings of anguish and pain, you will grow secluded and distant from what you know and who you are. You do not trust, because you have been deceived. You fear because you have been hurt. One day you will have to let go of these feelings, these fears and insecurities, and let the ice melt away, bringing back to life, the feelings you willingly froze.

Flesh Hearted

Considerable the most painful, yet the most rewarding at the same time. You feel happiness, sadness, hurt and love; along with everything else in between. You are compassionate and can be heavy with grief too. When you love, you love hard, and forgive slowly. The flesh hearted will willingly give their heart to a deserved persons, and ask for nothing in return.

Regardless of your story; regardless of your journey, choose wisely. Choose your heart wisely. Don't let your mind and heart feud and lead you astray. Listen to both equally and find common ground. You don't want to find yourself alone in a room full of people, knowing that someone in there is willing to love you with all their heart, and the only thing that you can giver them in return is a hollow shell of a person. Choose the condition of your heart wisely.