Things changing or just me?

I have always taken notice to the small things, as I have always thought that they were the things that make up life. It's the small things that are overlooked, and often forgotten, and majority of the time, no one cares enough to even notice. Some would say that I care too much about those things, or that I pay too much attention to detail. Its true; I do pay alot of attention to the details of everything, but I don't personally think that it's a bad thing to do.

I notice how things change over time; the color fades, paint chips, stains, and simply things just age. I guess that I never figured that the one thing I cherished would change, or fade in areas. I feel like the jewels are mearly slipping away in the spaces between my fingers. Although, what I do have left is still beautiful, just starting to tarnish.

I enjoyed and still do, all the little things about this, and they are no longer there for me to enjoy. I don't know what happened to them, or why they left. Nor, how to get them back.

To Not Know

I close my eyes, as the tears fall from them, only wanting something better to come; an open ended wish, that isn't going to come true. I open my eyes, just wanting to shut them again. I listen to things around me, and I close myself off from the world; silencing everything around me. Do I expect too much? Do I want to much for my life? I know that I don't need much; close to nothing at all, actually. I don't understand that the one time that I actually want soemthing so bad, with my heart and soul, its the one thing that never happens. Is it me? Am I the thing that is preventing this from happening? The more that I think about it, the more that I am sure that it is me.

I take a deep breath in, and release it, wondering if peace is something real? Peace inside my heart and my mind? Can something of this really be acheived? Why can't I find it? I have worked so hard on myself, for everything else, and this is the one thing that is so far out of my reach. I don't get it.

I have anger in my life, in my heart, and in my head; that boils my blood at times. I hate possesing such a thing. I don't know why its even there. I look around and see happiness everywhere, except in my own reflection. I have the epitomy of happiness, and joy everday right beside me in the most beautiful form of a being; my daughter. Yet, when I look at myself, I see nothingness.

I drowned out the world; I close my eyes, block my ears, but my mind still runs. Tears still fall, my hands still shake, and I just want it all to go away... I feel like I am walking around with a fake smile plastered to my face. I am miserable, with myself.

I dream of better things, happy things for my life, and when I try to achieve them, or work toward them, it backfires. I know its a give and take process, you have to learn to walk all over again. I fall on my face over and over again. I keep asking myself, when does it stop? When can I succeed? Will I ever?

I used to be filled with hope, and joy, and big dreams; I am still, just not for me. For my daughter, that's a different story, I have so many hopes for her, and her life. I pray for her happiness, and that she does not know the ugliness this world holds within its grasp. As for myself, I feel like hollow shell of a person.

I am so lost, in my own life. The world that I created. Even in a crowded room, I feel so freaking alone. I hate it. The pain is so obvious, but no matter what I deny it all. I don't want anyone to see it. Time is supposed to heal all wounds, but how long must mine stay open? They still hurt every single day. I am so tired of this. I can't believe it still hurts lke this. What am I waiting for? Something that isn't ever going to happen?

I changed who I am, in which I thought was for the better, and I can't even find myself anymore. I let you in, and learned what it was like to depend on you, and what it was like to need someone, and now, its the one thing that is hurting me. Sometimes, I want to undo the things that I have done to myself, because I don't know what would be better or worse.

Deeper Than the Flesh

My whole body hurts, so badly. The physical pain... I don't even know how to explain it, and the emotional pain is just as bad. I just want to curl up and cry until I can't anymore; but the messed up thing about that is, I can't even cry. I feel like I am completely surrounded by people and yet, I am so freaking alone in everything. I am the color in a black and white world. I can't, and I don't think that I want to reach out to anyone... No matter where I go, or who I turn to, I am still alone. I conceal my hurt and tears, because I have someone always watching me, and depending on me, and the last thing that I want to do is let her down. Everything is falling apart around me, and this far into it, I see no end to it. I can't stop it any longer. I feel like a caged animal being poked and proded, I have no where to go, and I just want to get out. I just want to cut away the pain of my life, and leave it be. I hate feeling this way. I hate being inside my own mind. I can't escape anything long enough to even smile. I close my eyes, and its a living hell even there. I never thought that I would return to this lonely place. I have tried and fought so hard to stay away from it, and yet.. Here I am. I hate admitting that. Gah, I hate it so freaking much.. But its the truth, all bullshit laid aside. I have been here for some time. I have been walking around with a smile plastered on my face, like nothing is ever wrong, and its just one big lie. I have lost all sight of whho I am, I pretend to be this person, I have no clue who she even is. I have no clue who I am. I wish I could just go back in time, to being a carefree little girl.. Even then, I wasn't a little girl. I wanted to grow up so bad, and now I am here, wishing to go back. Who am I? I wish I could answer that question, along with so many. I am so hopeless, among so many other things; and sometimes I am not sure how I manage thru. I look in the mirror and see an empty shell, hollow, and almost dead. I'm not sure what its like to even be happy like I used to. I don't know what that feels like anymore. When I see it, I can recognize it, but I don't feel it. I want that all back.. I don't listen to others much, especially when it comes to me, but when people who've known me for my entire life, ask me where my fire for life went, I have no answer; and it makes me think, "What's happend/happening to me?" Its sad I can't give myself an answer, I can't look at myself in the mirror and give myself an answer..