So Broken

I am exhausted, so freaking exhausted from trying not to let myself get hurt; From trying to be strong enough to stand toe to toe with you, and hold my own; From fighting with you with everything I have; From protecting my heart and soul;From just crying out with every ounce of my being...

I am so tired of this every day struggle with you, with myself, and with the world between us. I can no longer do it. I can longer take this, anymore. I've reached my breaking point and I am just broken.

I feel like I've been sucked into another black hole thats only set me back further, and I can't get my way out of it, not feeling like this. I just cry, because I am so lost, and I don't know what to do anymore. I have no where to turn to ask, nor to watch their path.

I can't keep from feeling, but I want to stop this feeling that I feel. I am so tired of just crying and because of you. You say you're sorry, and when its meant, their actions change. Everything about them changes when they are truly sorry. Haven't I proven that to you?

Besides the pain and hurt seen on the outside, my heart on the inside is dying, and I don't know how to stop it... I do what I can to accept responsibility for what I've done and did, and try to move and take the steps needed to get this better, and I get no where. I get slapped in face, and shut down. I can't do it anymore.

Happiness does not exist in me anymore, is what I feel like as I go thru the motions of the day. I am not strong enough to do this... I can only take so much, and now I've crumbled to pieces and left to nothing.

My heart aches with so much pain and hopelessness... My eyes are swollen and a different shade of blue as I cry. My hands are shaky and I feel like I can't carry this hallow ghost of person anymore.

I'm stuck at this fork in the road, and I have no idea which way to take; The road less traveled or the one that I already know. I have my head bowed and my hands up to the heavens begging for something to lift me up.. Please...

I can't hold on, but letting go is something I can't do, even if I wanted to.

Costumes.

There are times when I have no idea what to do. I find myself in situations in which I am afraid, when I shouldn't be. I cry when I am upset, and hurt, and I try to smile when I can, happy or not. There's a time when I just need to scream;
This is me. am the way I am, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a complex package. Take it or leave it. Accept me; or walk away. Don't try to make me feel less than who I am,because I don't fit your idea of who I should be. If I need to change, I will make that decision.

I was told today, that I wear many costumes of "Alyssa", and that I've burried myself under it all. I've burried the real Alyssa under it all, and its gotten so deep, I don't even know who I am anymore. It wasn't neccessarily a bad thing that this was brought to my attention, because I know that it has to be stopped. From my understanding, I've done this since day one of my own life, but at the same time, its taken me 21 years to realize, and actually put a name to it.

Each costume is for something different. To hide something else. A feeling, being ashamed of something, not wanting to be me, and so many other things. Each costume is like a layer, and slowly but surely I plan to peel each one of them away, and find myself. Find myself, raw, and real and actually me. I hate not knowing who I am looking at in the mirror, the few times that I actually take a good look.

As long as each of these costumes are allowed to "hang in the closet", its just as easy for me to put one right back on, to hide or protect myself, or my feelings. Alot of people have told me that I shouldn't have to do so; Protect myself, or my feelings, because its not how thigns should be. Although, the harsh reality of it all is that just because things are supposed to be a certain way, doesn't mean that it actually happens as so.

These costumes have felt like my real skin for so long, I am not sure where to start, and I know its going to be a hard road finding myself, and who I am at heart. There are so many things that I am going to let go of to help myself move on, and regain back who I was, and who I am.

I was told that I was always this little girl playing dress up, and I still am. Always changing costumes to fit certain things, certain ideals, or standards, and eventually lost myself amongst all the costumes.

Directions.

What do you do when you've reached the end of your rope, and you have nothing else to hold onto? What do you say when you don't have a single world in your heart left? Where do you turn, when you have no where to look? How many chances do you keep giving when you've had enough?

All these questions and more have been darting across the walls of my mind, and I can't seem to get or find an answer for a single one of them. I try and I try, exhausting every option I have open to me, and I still come up empty handed...

I don't know about anyone else, but I get tired of getting the short end of the stick, and feeling like that. Feeling hopless...

I ask alot of questions, to myself, and to the world, conciously and subconciously, and I think for a while on them all; but still end up with nothing. I try, and I give it my all, and I fall flat on my face.

I'm tired of the scrapes, cuts, and the blood from falling. I want to be able to walk, without studder, and know that the road that I am walking, is the right one. The one that leads to happiness, and faith. Not one that I will never be able to stand on my own two feet without being kicked in the knees, just to fall again.

Sometimes, I look at the road I've traveled, and wondered if its the one that I was meant to walk down. I look at the road I am on now, and ask myself, am I am going in the right direction? Sometimes, well most of the time, I don't know. I'm not sure how to know if I am or not. Will I ever?